Mary’s a Gypsy and She’s out to Play

Immediately on Real World New Orleans, Ryan was convinced and frightened that, “McKenzie was a gypsy,”; everyone wanted in on the skanky bubble bath, and Jemmye Drink-in-hand was worried about McKenzie being too drunk. Welcome to New Orleans.

Jemmye’s boy back home said this to clear things up between the two of them: “Yeah, I’m okay. Nothing’s wrong. I just…Y’know?”

Ryan, “squashed things” with Preston, then basically said, “Yeah, I’ll talk bad about him; I hate him even more now.”

Sahar tried to talk sense into McKenzie/Mary. She nodded and mmhmm’ed while sorting her beads.

Jemmye turned to Knight, basically saying she was choosing him over the boy back home (after he was ignoring her, mind you.) He responded by informing her that she was, “ruining his game.”

Meanwhile, McKenzie had been hanging out with a guy who seemed pretty sober; when he mentioned his tendency to black out, she was sold.

Last week Preston and Ashley had the issue of not recording when they should have been. This week they recorded correctly! Then they lost the recorder.

Jemmye decided to reveal her deepest secrets to Knight in a noisy bar. Because he, a juvenile, insensitive frat boy whom she had known for a month and slept with every night in the house, was someone she had gotten to know best of all her conquests. Then he was emotional. No. Wait. Drunk. Aim high, Jemmye. Mardi Gras has to come to an end.

Mimi

You Are Just Like Alison, Aren’t You?

On Pretty Little Liars, Jason di Laurentis was about as off from the books as Emily Fields is, and had shown up for yet another long, drawn-out Ali Memoriam.

We had to watch Hanna limp out her faux-relationship with what’s-his-face when all her feelings were toward Lucas, the rapidly-less-nerdy kid.

One more betrayal of Alison’s reared its ugly head after her death. Being repeated in her words by Odd Girl Jenna and Big Brother Jason. 

Emily suddenly mentioned her father-character as being absent due to the military. So it can be a big deal when he comes home. I’m sure her mother already mentioned him at some point, like, “your father and I were worried sick” if only because this show has major continuity issues.

Jason was way too interested in his late little sister’s group dynamics, constantly bringing up the way things used to be; a bit of a Toby Cavanaugh himself.

The Rosewood movie theater, which has already made one tiny-town appearance, plays (bottom rate, old timey horror) movies right away; without previews or even opening credits. Believable? Hardly.

Our episode theme was forgetting Toby and the twist at the end proved we were making way for Ian.

At last, the girls realized they had been duped when Alison’s, “original” bracelet turned up, from the hands of her blood relative.

Pretty Little Liars hijacked my MP3 Player, with Carolina Liar‘s I’m Not Over and US Royalty‘s Every Summer. Good one.

Mimi

I Really Like Alcohol

On Pretty Little Liars, the episode began with Toby Cavanaugh gaining a motorcycle. For cool points. Cool-enough-to-date-Emily points, at least.

Then the girls had ended up with Toby’s file in their possession and, “just shove it in your locker” sounded like it just might’ve topped the growing list of the girls’ terrible ideas!

Jenna plopping down contentedly on Emily’s bed was beyond strange. It wasn’t exactly a normal situation to begin with; Emily’s recupe time was duking it out with her mother’s bedside interrogation.

Aria, Spencer, and Hanna were sick of carrying the file around with them, so they drove out to their Rosewood secret spot, which is apparently the cheapest set. Other ABC shows had reserved the house sets and all they had left was the, “generic woods.” Aria and Hanna march out to the creek and pointlessly instruct Spencer to stay behind…to babysit the car? “Why am I waiting here?!” She exclaims after a minute.

So Aria tossed Toby’s file into the creek nice and low to the ground. Then additional papers fell from the sky.

Aria, the show’s decided main character, snuck into Mr. Fitz’s house just as a message crucial to the plotline was being left on his answering machine. What timing!

Spencer’s catch of the day, Alex, was working temporarily in the club’s kitchen – like a pro – making one meal at a time, every half hour or so. Working at all hours of the day. And he was the only one in the kitchen. So he and Spencer would have the oppurtunity to dance in private, of course.

The show ended with Toby’s death.

On Real World New Orleans,

McKenzie’s drinking was out of control, Jemmye was a predictable slag, and Ashlee proved her redeeming qualities, by tolerating and teasing her bedroommate, Knight.

When this season’s location was first announced, I figured the anticipated volunteer work, that saves face for the intoxicated party slackers for ten minutes of airtime, was a shoe-in. New Orleans. Helping those less fortunate, maybe? No. They pushed a dog float at the Barkus Parade.

During Super Bowl Weekend, when the roommates were partying in a bar, Preston got kicked out for some unknown reason and it took the others way too long to notice his absence. As he cried in the street, alone.

The Preston vs. Ryan mini-feud continued, with words thrown about carelessly and childish acts that should have ended many seasons ago. Preston told Ryan that he wasn’t okay with his sexuality. Ryan cried on the phone to a male friend, ending the call with, “I love you.” Okay.

Mimi

He’s the Bestest and She’s a Messtest

It was Mardi Gras on Real World New Orleans so the roommates went wild.

Ryan was once again caught up on the subject of cuddling, whining at McKenzie, “You wanna sleep by yourself? Good. ‘Cause I don’t wanna cuddle anyways.” Later, the two brushed their teeth together, with a hidden meaning not so hidden behind the act. Then she shooed him away. He was, “weirded out.”

McKenzie’s friend came to visit. And when McKenzie described her as, “Exactly like me,” she wasn’t being clear enough. Suze was not just exactly like her; she looked like a McKenzie clone.

Preston slept around with two or three guys in as many days, giving Ryan something to be overly defensive about and get his good old hate circulating again.

Amidst this was the drama of Jemmye and Knight. See, Jemmye’s tramp status was forever up for discussion in the house and everyone was placing bets on when she would sleep with Knight. Including Knight. And Jemmye. A little attention-hungry, are we? 

Needless to say, by the end of Mardi Gras, Jemmye was arguably the drunkest person in New Orleans. No surprise there. She got mad at Knight but became more intoxicated and forgave him, later falling over in the street and repeatedly crying out, “I want Knight!” Knight eventually hid from her at the house, in a shower, and when she crawled, sobbing, to Ryan; blubbering for his help, he was disgusted and inched away from her. So Jemmye called her mom. The important thing she had to say was, “Momma, iwyaeiuweeaiy!”

At last, when Jemmye should have held out because everyone had bet against her ability to maintain abstinence, she just proved them right. Proved just how easy she could be.

Then McKenzie’s best friend left without saying goodbye to McKenzie, only Ryan. McKenzie took a bath in her tears that morning.

Mimi

It’s My Driver

The Hills Finale began with the four “main characters” having a conversation about possibly finally becoming adults and about, well, the end. This was obviously taped after the final episode had a theme and after they had tittered about their drama and questioned things enough to be certain during said talk. And from there to the end things were all about Kristin.

Brody, Taylor, and Frankie; tha boys; went golfing. My, weren’t we aging fast now!

Kristin decided that if she were to move anywhere,  it would absolutely have to be to any/all of Europe. She told Brody. Someone on the Hills crew called a jangly phone inside Brody’s house so it would create drama. Then she didn’t make eye contact while she backwards-invited him to her going-away party.

Then Audrina was giving Stephanie a tour of her second house -?- where Stephanie, who just committed to a relationship about ten minutes ago, catcalled at a, “cutie.” He hollered, “Tower 24,” And Stephanie smoothly told Audrina, “That’s our new hangout…That’s… That is your new hangout.” 

Stacie The Skanky Bartender Chick Who Originally Got On The Show As Some Homewrecking Whore Flirting With Spencer Pratt replaced Audrina in the group hug at Kristin’s going-away party; in the shot only to be a brunette head.

Then Lo and Stephanie played the arguing voices in Kristin’s head, on the topic of, none other but, Kristin. She sided with the Stephanie voice and decided to talk to Brody. He cried and said, “Don’t leave.”

Gifts showered upon us for our listening pleasure. Forever Young! If We Ever Meet Again!! Girlfriend!!! Finally, Hills finale! It’s about time you featured decent music! Boy, did you have a lot to make up for this season.

And to the sound of a rerecorded version of Unwritten, The Hills rolled out unquestionably the most creative ending they have ever had.

Mimi

It’s Unclear if the Journey is from the Past or in the Future

Things we like about Pretty Little Liars:

• Toby Cavanaugh listens to The Smiths
• Secretaries at a doctor’s office answer the phone saying, “Doctor’s office.”
• Hanna does something impossible and not clever with a door, “rigging it” so she could get inside the room later
• ABC Family seems to only splurge on Aria’s outfits and makeup 
• Extras only pass by once dialogue between main characters, such as Emily and Toby, has ended
• The four main girls are circulating about Homecoming the whole night, spilling into each other’s scenes, disrupting the usual routine
• Rosewood’s raffle at Homecoming wasn’t on the scale of a gift card to TGI Friday’s, but a car
• This is just another ABC Family show that thinks it’s a good idea to feature the worst live bands on TV during their show *cough cough Greek and Plain White T’s*
• Toby was abandoned awkwardly doing nothing time after time, then finally looks across the room to his sister sitting alone among a mass of dancing student body. Just so she could draw pointed attention being there. (Spoiler alert but over 2,400 pages of a storyline and only 6 hours of a show and we’re not about to solve the mystery of A in Jenna)
• Melissa Hastings showing up at the high school Homecoming dance was a dumb writing mistake, now pushing her character over the steep edge of desperation. Evil witch done-up hair was a nice twist, though.
• The girls didn’t notice Jenna in the same room as them. While they were having a secret conversation. About Jenna and Toby. Hmm. She hides pretty well for a blind girl.
• Yes, they did change Jenna’s last name only weeks into the series. A bit scatterbrained, aren’t we, writers who aren’t Sara Shepard?
• ABC Family says, “No, Toby screwing his sister is not acceptable! Stepsister? Well…That can’t be worse than what’s on Secret Life of the American Teenager. Okay.”
• There is a sign of all the current living townspeople of Rosewood. How convenient. Those painters will be exhausted soon!

Mimi

Like Wearing a Raincoat in the Shower

On this season of the Real World New Orleans, we’ve received people cooler than DC‘s cast and giving Cancun a run for its money. Every roommate becomes more interesting than the next (except maybe, say, Ashlee) and our gift was a special boy named Ryan. Ryan is very dramatic; constantly creating heated arguments and his attitude with people is all or nothing. Ryan preaches about abstinence, although, based on his looks, he isn’t taken seriously. Ryan is a fabulous hairdresser. Ryan skateboards and blow dries his entire body every day, for no exact reason. Ryan loves to cuddle. Mostly men. Ryan tries to stir up trouble on purpose. Ryan wants to be loved and turns to those who don’t know how to love back. Ryan needs constant attention, pampering, fresh food and water, and appreciates long walks!

Ryan likes McKenzie.

Eric likes Sahar.

Knight likes Jemmye.

Preston is gay and Ashlee is asexual.

Well, doesn’t that just work out perfectly?

Lastly, Wisconsin boy Knight frequently spews gems of knowledge like the following: “It’s like wearing a raincoat in the shower. You don’t want to, but you gotta do it.” And, “I think I just stained my pants.” Brilliance, Knight! Sheer brilliance!

Mimi

Mine’s Not Turning On!

On Pretty Little Liars, the Aria and Mr. Fitz love story got more complicated and she threw him the seductive line, “You’re the teacher, I’m the student.” Then they used a double-meaning in the short dialogue, “Thanks for this. I’m having fun.” “Me too.” It was almost too much subtlety.

But if subtlety was the issue, the show not-so-casually renamed Jenna Cavanaugh Jenna Marshall. So that she and Toby can just be two strangers living in the same house?

And lastly, it was a nice change of pace for the show not to end with a disconnected, “suspenseful” scene. Must’ve learned a thing or two from Desperate Housewives’ recent rough patch. That catch-in-the-last-three-minutes trick goes sour pretty fast.

On The Hills,

Heidi and Spencer were referenced this episode. But they did not make an appearance. Because they have no sort of belonging to the show anymore. Since they went overboard. With the crystals. That protect them from bad people…Heidi’s mom was in this episode, but no Heidi-tron.

Holly asked the girls if they were going to Colony, a nightclub, while at a restaurant named Culina. Blink. What a broad vocab, all of Los Angeles.

Then bland Lo asked Stephanie about Costa Rica. Her response was this:

“Like, Audrina and I, like, had a good time. Like, besides, Kristin and Brody. ‘Cause like, it was just kind of like they were arguing and fighting.” Translation: Audrina and I had a good time. But Kristin and Brody were fighting.

Not as if the fighting was on Brody’s mind. He and the boys went out for a bike ride. Welllll, Frankie tried. “Mine’s not turning on!” He exclaimed, over the bike he was entrusted. Before stumble-walk/crashing it into the ground. Alas, silly friend we keep around to share a few laughs!

So, surprise, surprise the girls went to Colony, which is not, in fact, the place they had already been earlier that day. Brody and his homies were there, as well. Just to create drama. No, I’m sure it was a coincidence. Los Angeles is pretty small. And there are only a couple nightclubs.

Bland Lo brings her boyfriend of a year, Scott. Yes, suddenly Scott is a character! This is the first season Lo is even a character, for which she is wholly grateful. Don’t push it, you stodgy, boring two.

Stephanie made her intentions clear to Brody’s latest friend. Brody tried his hardest to sink her battleship; the good, old fashioned hatred resurfacing. And shouldn’t he have been managing his own problems? Sure. But Brody ignored Kristin for his phone.

“Does it bother you that Brody didn’t talk to you?” The idiot clinger bartender chick asked Kristin. Um, a resounding yes!

As far as music, we endured the good (Alicia Keys’ Un-Thinkable; Jason DeRulo’s In My Head), the bad (Adam Lambert), and the ugly (Colbie Callait.)

And as for Audrina…She must have been next to go after Heidi. All building up for the Kristin Show.

Mimi