She Only Stuck Around for His Sunglasses

Real World DC-

Andrew, in follow-up to your dating lessons that you didn’t pass, here are five signs that your date isn’t going well or the girl doesn’t like you:

“Email me.” <- First sign. She didn’t want to hear your voice or make contact easy.

“Awkward…” <- Second sign. Testing the waters is a fine way of communication, but don’t test the waters by saying “I told them I was in love with you.” Ever, for that matter.

You’re such a dork. <- Third sign. She’s saying it in a way that might seem loving, but it’s only uncomfortable toleration.

Brought her cousin. <- Fourth sign. She needed a distraction/wingwoman. Because of you.

Called telling him to check his e-mail. <- Fifth sign.

Again with the e-mail! This was filmed summer of ’09, right?

Anyway, Alli (like Callie without the ca) dumped Andrew electronically and he was “heartbroken” for about a moment, just as she “broke his heart” when she wouldn’t sleep with him. Turns out he had more luck at the gay sports bar. That trip was all thanks to Josh, Invisible Man.

Meanwhile,

Ashley yelled at Mike-y. Mikey yelled at Ashley. They faked nice. They yelled some more. Mikey said he wouldn’t apologize, then went to talk to Ashley. He apologized. Ashley blubbered. They made up. Episode conflict resolved!

Mimi

He’s Perfect for Me, is the Thing

One Tree Hill-

“Does That Mean Thank You in Coke-WhoreLand?”

The first episode of One Tree Hill of ’10 kicked off with Haley’s tour – exciting, right? Well, it would be if she was any good.

The six-week recap basically reminded us of everything we already saw. And, unfortunately, everything we already knew. Bad-acting central? Oh! OTH must be on!

Julian ran into Brooke, dressed as a warrior/nutcracker mix, at the airport. Enter Alex-ander, guy with the absolute weirdest accent in Tree Hill. Enter Alex, the skanky model that ultimatley won Julian. As you could imagine, neither counterpart of the former-couple are very happy with their sudden company.

Later, Haley played to the least-amused audience ever to be on TV, standing in place, boredly clapping. But, hey, I’m right there depressed with them.

To wrap things up, Julian dumped Brooke. Brooke caved to male Alex. When things were dreadfully boring at the Scott house, enter Taylor, post-many plastic surgeries (or her face shapeshifted.) With Quinn’s ex on her arm, no less. If there was ever one James sister to lose in a freak plane crash right outside the Scott house…Yes, it would be cool if Taylor got hit by a plane. Apparently it happens all the time. 

OTH Music-

3 full-length, sucktastic Haley James Scott/Bethany Joy Galeotti/Everly songs and 1 crappy cover later and our most logical viewing options were muting the entire show or pitching the TV out the nearest window. Thanks, Hales. Evidently, free plugs come with paychecks. That explains why Jamie always got to dance so much.

Funhouse just couldn’t even out the Lifehouse, Everly, and straight-from-MTV’s-lineup Vedera we were dealt.

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love-

“I Should’ve Kissed You”

As it turns out, Elizabeth was not only a tease but a pretty seasoned psycho, too (meaning she flocks to reality shows)! She said things like, “I want you to kiss me, you wanna kiss me, but don’t, wait, I don’t think you should, but do, okay?”

Jake decided she was just too confusing and didn’t like that she was holding out on him. So he sent crazy Elizabeth -and Valishia?- home, just like crazy Michelle. But he did keep that intriguing pizza girl, leaving only two brunettes in the mix.

Any last words, Elizabeth?

“I should’ve kissed you.”

Mimi

 

First Religion, Now Playboy

Ty kept up personally offending each of his roommates on Real World DC, by telling Callie she wasn’t model weight and literally fighting his sometimes-bed buddy, Emily. The only one he hasn’t gotten to yet would have to be Josh, the invisible one.

So his rude comment ate at Callie, bringing her to back self-image issues her active mom had instilled in her. So she called her mom to make her feel better.

Ashley and Erica were too caught up in Emily and Ty’s fake, dysfunctional  relationship to start anything for themselves. Except dance classes. Party.

And Emily ended this body image-themed episode on an unforgiving note with Ty. Well, until the first ten minutes of next week’s, until it inevitably switches to Andrew’s lack of seduction abilities.

Mimi

Well, Obviously the Cocktail Party is Over

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, week 2, hours 3 and 4.

The hot model girl was doing a “staffer” behind Jake’s back so she was sent packing and Jake was depressed by the leftovers. They were all so…jowly. The love of his life had been in the room but she’d just left.

When the short, useless host, Chris Harrison,  pressed Rozlyn, she said something about her personal life not being everyone’s business. And didn’t the other girls have histories?

<Chris Harrison’s and Rozlyn’s improved dialect>

Yes, which they formed and left back home. Rozlyn, this was last night! He’s still in your bed! Frankly, I’m just surprised the other girls haven’t noticed. They seem to think he’s the laundry guy!

What are you getting at?

Kindly, leave.

No.

 Yes. And I’ll send the largest, ugliest staffer we have to throw luggage at you. Even he should be fearing for his job.

So when it came down to elimination, the last girls without roses were Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face-double, Gawky Barbie, and an unfamiliar blond. There was one rose left. It was a tough decision.

Hey, what’s your name?

Catherine…But I’m just delivering a pizza.

“Catherine.” He nodded, gesturing to the final rose.

Mimi

We’re Gonna Be Besties

This week on Real World DC, Ashley pretended she didn’t like Mike, no one believed her, he hooked up with a guy, and she felt rejected. Callie tried to get Andrew to kindly back off and he only got the point when he had to snuggle with himself. Emily and Ty became an item (remember, folks, this is the 2nd episode) merely because he looked identical to her ex. Emily’s sister came to visit (already) and was disapproving about her bicurious ways. Emily’s siter has obviously never seen any of the past twenty-two seasons of Real World.

Oh, and Josh and Erika were the forgotten roommates. They could have packed up and left the house and no viewer or their remaining roommates would’ve even noticed. Yeah, Josh and Erika; the ones that are going to cheat on their significant others a few weeks from now, feel bad, then find comfort in each other and feel better about themselves. Just a guess…

Mimi