Blair Waldorf: The Next Grace Kelly?

On Gossip Girl, the recent theme of royal weddings ended up in Blair’s lap and she had a sudden dilemma of who to marry, a subject many 19-to-20-year-olds face on a regular basis. Chuck Bass, slowly getting cut off from his friends (didn’t this happen already?) tried to, “use a rock to get out of  hard place.” Yet Blair not-so-surprisingly, chose royalty.

Meanwhile, Serena’s pointless, sneaky little cousin, Charlie, sunk her claws into Dan Humphrey and we kept Vanessa around for no reason whatsoever. Nate is fed up with Chuck. Raina is fed up with both of them. And Serena tried plotting against Blair but realized the plotting is more of a Blair affair anyway.

On One Tree Hill, the writers were trying to make us carsick, seasick, and morningsick. Flashbacks on top of other flashbacks, a couple flashforwards, and Jamie referring to himself as Casey…inside hs head. Nothing was happening in the present, mindyou, but a little league game where all the kids keep striking out.

Weak plot points for Alex, not pregnant, and Chase, who nearly missed the game because it was necessary for him to stand at an airport and think introspectively. Worse plot points for Quinn, who got a spray tan, and Clay, who was somehow most upset at Ian. And Nate and Haley were boring and still pondering the ways of Dan Scott.

But at least Brooke got pregnant before Alex. Way to go, Brulian. Looks like NYC will have to wait until never.

Mimi

How Hard Is It To Get A Baby?

On the return of One Tree Hill, I think the last five minutes left many of us asking the same question: “How hard is it to get a baby around these parts?” If Brooke is screwed out of a baby one more time, Haley is going to have to surrogate one and give it to her for Christmas. But c’mon, they did have stupid names picked out.

Austin Nichols (Julian) directed this one, giving us a lot of flashbacks of past seasons. A few more old scenes would have been preferable but they are obviously trying to make it seem like Quinn and Clay have been around forever.

The upside – Augustana music! All new songs from their self-titled album to be released April 26th! Gotta love OTH for the music. Even the old Switchfoot from one of the flashbacks made me smile.

But once again, Brooke doesn’t get the baby. Watch Alex announce she’s pregnant next week.

-Mimi

He’s Perfect for Me, is the Thing

One Tree Hill-

“Does That Mean Thank You in Coke-WhoreLand?”

The first episode of One Tree Hill of ’10 kicked off with Haley’s tour – exciting, right? Well, it would be if she was any good.

The six-week recap basically reminded us of everything we already saw. And, unfortunately, everything we already knew. Bad-acting central? Oh! OTH must be on!

Julian ran into Brooke, dressed as a warrior/nutcracker mix, at the airport. Enter Alex-ander, guy with the absolute weirdest accent in Tree Hill. Enter Alex, the skanky model that ultimatley won Julian. As you could imagine, neither counterpart of the former-couple are very happy with their sudden company.

Later, Haley played to the least-amused audience ever to be on TV, standing in place, boredly clapping. But, hey, I’m right there depressed with them.

To wrap things up, Julian dumped Brooke. Brooke caved to male Alex. When things were dreadfully boring at the Scott house, enter Taylor, post-many plastic surgeries (or her face shapeshifted.) With Quinn’s ex on her arm, no less. If there was ever one James sister to lose in a freak plane crash right outside the Scott house…Yes, it would be cool if Taylor got hit by a plane. Apparently it happens all the time. 

OTH Music-

3 full-length, sucktastic Haley James Scott/Bethany Joy Galeotti/Everly songs and 1 crappy cover later and our most logical viewing options were muting the entire show or pitching the TV out the nearest window. Thanks, Hales. Evidently, free plugs come with paychecks. That explains why Jamie always got to dance so much.

Funhouse just couldn’t even out the Lifehouse, Everly, and straight-from-MTV’s-lineup Vedera we were dealt.

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love-

“I Should’ve Kissed You”

As it turns out, Elizabeth was not only a tease but a pretty seasoned psycho, too (meaning she flocks to reality shows)! She said things like, “I want you to kiss me, you wanna kiss me, but don’t, wait, I don’t think you should, but do, okay?”

Jake decided she was just too confusing and didn’t like that she was holding out on him. So he sent crazy Elizabeth -and Valishia?- home, just like crazy Michelle. But he did keep that intriguing pizza girl, leaving only two brunettes in the mix.

Any last words, Elizabeth?

“I should’ve kissed you.”

Mimi

 

A New Ginger, Minus the Island

To begin on a serious note, here’s to a monumental World AIDS Day! A lot of positive efforts have already been made; a lot is left to do. But the more that is done to end poverty and AIDS, the easier “we can conquer this Great Divide.”

One Tree Hill

This week, Skills broke the news to Jamie that he was leaving and Jamie didn’t take it too well.

“Just ’cause I’ll be in LA doesn’t mean we won’t see each other.” He reassured the grumpy, stunted 6-year-old.

“Like I see Uncle Lucas?” Jamie responded sarcastically. Are you getting written off the show, Skills? Or have you just decided you’re too good for us too?

Mouth finally got fed up with Millie using and abusing everyone in the process and, after being told he had been killed, agreed to move to LA with Skills. Oh, Jamie’s really gonna be fired up now! Getting the hell outta Tree Hill to find where Chad and Hilarie went must sound like a good idea.

Brooke was mad at Julian (again) and Alex told Julian she loved him (again) and that she was more…fruitful than Brooke could be. He told her he didn’t even like her and she called him in desperation (again) before possibly killing herself. Actresses.

As far as music went, Trent Dabbs and Amy Stroup left as wondering, “Pete and Scarlett who?”

Gossip Girl

Everything was out on the table at the Humphrey-Bass-Van der Woodsen’s Thanksgiving dinner…whether every scandal was interesting or not. Vanessa’s mom audibly judged all of them, Tripp’s wife addressed the affair and Lily’s mom kept her secret, while Jenny and Eric moved their petty catfight to a separate room. Surprisingly quietest of all the guests – Chuck Bass (of “Dude. I’m Chuck Bass.”) Where has his gusto gone?

And if the night just wasn’t darling enough, throw in an idiotic coat mixup. Can’t forget that! Maybe Tripp was actually leaving his wife because of her 20-years-aged wardrobe.

As the show wound down, the softest track from the worn-out Brand New Eyes – The Only Exception- played even softer in the background. If only Paramore had a dime for every time their music was featured in teen dramas…but they probably do. 

By the final Poor Serena scene, I think more than a few of us were gagging. Serena Van der Woodsen has been in fake love many, many times and made one poor decision after another by letting her lips lead the way. This extreme has finally made her the least relatable and most easily hatable TV character since Ginger from Gilligan’s Island. Both girls are/were emotionally stranded and isolated in their own self-absorption. But isn’t that reason enough to love them?

Mimi

Happy Endings Are Few And Far Between

One Tree Hill is on top of current music surprisingly steadily for the demographic of the show. Last week, they reminded us that they love SK6ERS like nobody’s bid’ness and this week they got a band to perform within the episode. Starring Noisettes, a funky Duffy-esque band that happens to be more interesting than the plotline, they have taken a turn toward good music. If they can’t have Leyton, might as well get something worthwhile to retain viewers.

In the wise words of a dramatic Dan Scott “What they see is who you’ll be.” This is proving to be true for Nathan, who Dan will soon exploit, on the cover of Tree Hill tabloids. *sigh* Come on. We’re not going to believe that Nathan Scott is suddenly some big celebrity. There aren’t local tabloids. If there were, they would dishing about Brooke and Julian.

Even worse than Nate and Haley’s marriage buckling are the new soon-to-be divorcees. Quinn and David bored us to death, making us wonder why an ending marriage is still being drawn out over a month’s time. We don’t care. We want to see Brooke get in a catfight with her easy, cheesy spokesgirl. We want to see Victoria go on Dan’s show and betray someone.

Which brings us back to the real question- What do they see in you, Dan Scott? A tool in a suit hiding behind canned lines? Or a tool faking a picture-perfect marriage? Or maybe a tool proud of his morally screwed past? Any way you look at it, great philosopher, you are a tool.

On Gossip Girl, Georgina was pushed out of the scenario about three minutes into this week’s episode and the show would have been looking up if Hilary Duff hadn’t appeared. Playing a Twilight-inspired version of herself, no less. Wow, that is a tough stretch.

Still, we were patiently waiting for things to get better. Blair acting like a whiny high schooler, Vanessa being drier than Rufus Humphrey and everyone being uncharacteristically invited to a movie premiere was getting to be a little much. Yet, without JoAnna Garcia sucking all the air out of the room it seemed to be looking up!

Then Tyra showed up. Trying to act. Trying to act and playing an actress. “Oh, no,” is right.

“Don’t Blame it on the Motorcycle” 

Last week, The Hills repeatedly played Paramore music that was released the same day, trying to appeal to an audience that isn’t about to go anywhere. Throw in RS’s favorite, Little Boots, and you have the kind of uninteresting soundtrack that OTH successfully stays away from – congrats!

The entire point of this season seems to be that Kristin is a She-wolf -I’m calling that plug now- and no one can overcome her majestic powers. Right. She makes guys want her by swearing, asking weird questions, and not making eye contact? Try it out, Pity-vote Audrina! You can win him back!

So for the next couple weeks, Kristin will be sinking her claws and teeth into Justin Bobby, a fresh new leftover, proving just what kind of taste she has in men…And how you “shouldn’t mess with her” because she’ll steal your ex just like she was about to anyway? Okay, some people are just a waste of breath.

As for Heidi and Spencer, they bought a house! Well, Spencer bought a house Heidi didn’t like and she was still surprised by his habit but she did have one positive thing to say about it. “I love all the trees and the nature.” There ya go, Spencer! She loves the nature that happens to be outside. It’s not all bad.

Tonight, Kristin will go after her fresh meat, cackle, ride his “motorcycle”, and say something short to one of the girls, which they will debate and stew over for the following fifteen minutes. Just a prediction.

Mimi

Once Upon a Time, You Were Queen

One Tree Hill

Fourteen months have passed in OTH Time since May bringing new surprises, characters, and a Dan Scott Dr. Phil-style show titled Redemption. Yes, really. Lucas and Peyton are mentioned about every ten minutes which just reminds us what an important part of One Tree Hill they were and that without them this may very well be the last season.

Dan Scott has a young little wife, Nathan supposedly has a love child, and Brooke is leading a Sam-less life with her sweetie, Julian. Haley’s sister showed up to not add much spice to things, Skills’ relationship is staying PG – maybe because it always seems to include Jamie- and Haley is working on managing the record label instead of her music career. Thrilling. The writers just removed everything we watch OTH for, in two episodes no less. 

“Once upon a time in a far-off land, you were a queen. (but here you are just a loser who will never fit in.)“ 

On Gossip Girl, Blair, Georgina, Vanessa and Dan Humphrey played a dull game of Popularity Tug-of-War: College-style and this time, Blair didn’t come out on top. Isn’t that the purpose of having such a spoiled, dramatic princess in the picture? She wins. Or she pitches a fit about not winning. But either way you know Blair Waldorf will come out on top so you can sit back and enjoy her power struggle getting there. 

As for Leighton, the girl behind the goddess, the predictable Good Girls Go Bad plug we were expecting but somehow missed out on during the premiere showed up during the rooftop party. But none of the girls were going bad. The good girls were staying good. And the bad girls were still bad.

As for Serena, she decided the play hooky before college even started and plans to do nothing in her spare time. New Daddy Rufus wasn’t happy about this and, since the actress playing Lily Bass is still out on maternity leave, there has been a whole lot of Rufus.

Nate is off in Stiff Girlfriend Land (is this possibly where Blair reigned?), awkwardly kissing the tutor from Privileged, and lacking any delivery to his unmemorable lines. Chuck Bass is wrapped up in his next big deal, which Serena screws up a couple times and proceeds to drag Carter Basin into her little game. Too bad they suddenly adore each other-?

Jenny, Eric and anyone else still in HS suddenly doesn’t matter but unlike Lucas and Peyton, their siblings aren’t even acknowledging they exist. Little J might have been a figment of our imaginations…After all, once Blair wins a war is her opponent worth remembering?

Mimi