Help Her Get Rid of the Body

One Tree Hill-

“Get a shovel and help her get rid of (Alex’s) body,” has been Brooke’s attitude for a while now. The fact that Julian and Alex were able to kiss and make up and focus on Alex’s “script” isn’t helping things. Meanwhile, Millie just wants to be Alex and has no idea that Mouth has been fired because being a fake model is more important. Haley got arrested, Nate has been useless and Jamie: super-introverted and emotional. Somehow we’re still dwelling on Quinn and David and how she is sexually-inactive sleepover buddies with Clay…Excuse me, but where did the writers go? Did they leave with Lucas, Peyton and baby? Did they quit shortly after Nanny Carrie and Q got shot? Soon we’re going to care about Skills and Tina which is even worse than Kate Voegele and that guy LC dated!

Gossip Girl-

Who knew the Van der Woodsen-Humphrey kids could be so Brady-like? Meddle for their parents’ sake much? And what could make their force stronger than inviting ol’ Peter Brady into the gang? Gaining a Jan. But beisdes that, nothing!

Georgina. Winning, losing, violating Dan Humphrey…Serena. Playing stupid and falling for the same guys over and over…Bree. Blandly betraying and getting found out…Vanessa. Not being liked by two guys at once. Jenny. Wait. Is Jenny still on the show?

The girls never cease to amaze us with their mediocrity! Maybe if they were doing shady things like the guys; making deals, having sloppy affairs, 2-minute flings, being secretive and talking in hushed voices; maybe then it would all be worthwhile. Prepare yourselves for Blair Waldorf, jewelry thief.

Greek-

So Cappie and Evan and Casey are friends…but only in secret, which means basically never, and Cappie and Casey still won’t be together? OK. Just checking. Rusty and Jordan had broken up but Rusty realized he has no game and other girls don’t want to date him so he tried to get her back with a roomful of people hanging on his every pathetic word. Dale is once again “in a relationship with God”, Casey is openly jealous of Cappie’s girl, Ashley and Fisher have nothing in common, and Beaver is always ready to defend a bro. Sounds about right. 

The Hills-

K-Cav has never hit it off with another girl before as well as she is with Skanktender Stacie! What a relief!

Jayde, Brody’s girlfriend, throws Brody a birthday party (c’mon, doesn’t the guy have a birthday every 3 months or so now?). K-Cav announces she’ll have an after-party at her house. Brody says he’ll go. Jayde is thinking “huh?”, gets mad, walks away. Brody shouts “We don’t care. Leave. We don’t care.” He is such a winner – I still can’t believe it didn’t work out between him and Kristin.

And hold up a minute! Stupid-ass Pratt is able to hang out with K-Cav and Skanktender now? Since when? Remember “do you own pants?” and “you need to respect Audrina” (rebuttal) “this is how it’s gonna be?” How much extra are they being paid to tolerate each other, seriously?

“Love is the kind of thing that ends a relationship,” is the dumbest thing Brody has said since not recognizing Jimmy Carter. Why are we celebrating this moron’s 3-month birthday???

Off in Heidi & Spencer land, Spencer is trying to play lose-golf with his brilliant friend, Charlie, when End-Zone shows up right on cue. Spencer asks him “how did you get in?” Enzo, as rehearsed, says “0-3-1-0,” grinning devilishly and fingering the rolled up dollar bills in his chinos’ pocket.

But Spencer redeems himself when he takes Heidi to a ‘fancy dinner’ dressed like a cowboy extra. Heidi asks him to take the hat off but Spencer is wiser than that, remarking, “Only a true man can wear a beaver-skin hat to dinner.” Audrina could learn a thing or two from these words of wisdom!

Mimi

Happy Endings Are Few And Far Between

One Tree Hill is on top of current music surprisingly steadily for the demographic of the show. Last week, they reminded us that they love SK6ERS like nobody’s bid’ness and this week they got a band to perform within the episode. Starring Noisettes, a funky Duffy-esque band that happens to be more interesting than the plotline, they have taken a turn toward good music. If they can’t have Leyton, might as well get something worthwhile to retain viewers.

In the wise words of a dramatic Dan Scott “What they see is who you’ll be.” This is proving to be true for Nathan, who Dan will soon exploit, on the cover of Tree Hill tabloids. *sigh* Come on. We’re not going to believe that Nathan Scott is suddenly some big celebrity. There aren’t local tabloids. If there were, they would dishing about Brooke and Julian.

Even worse than Nate and Haley’s marriage buckling are the new soon-to-be divorcees. Quinn and David bored us to death, making us wonder why an ending marriage is still being drawn out over a month’s time. We don’t care. We want to see Brooke get in a catfight with her easy, cheesy spokesgirl. We want to see Victoria go on Dan’s show and betray someone.

Which brings us back to the real question- What do they see in you, Dan Scott? A tool in a suit hiding behind canned lines? Or a tool faking a picture-perfect marriage? Or maybe a tool proud of his morally screwed past? Any way you look at it, great philosopher, you are a tool.

On Gossip Girl, Georgina was pushed out of the scenario about three minutes into this week’s episode and the show would have been looking up if Hilary Duff hadn’t appeared. Playing a Twilight-inspired version of herself, no less. Wow, that is a tough stretch.

Still, we were patiently waiting for things to get better. Blair acting like a whiny high schooler, Vanessa being drier than Rufus Humphrey and everyone being uncharacteristically invited to a movie premiere was getting to be a little much. Yet, without JoAnna Garcia sucking all the air out of the room it seemed to be looking up!

Then Tyra showed up. Trying to act. Trying to act and playing an actress. “Oh, no,” is right.

“Don’t Blame it on the Motorcycle” 

Last week, The Hills repeatedly played Paramore music that was released the same day, trying to appeal to an audience that isn’t about to go anywhere. Throw in RS’s favorite, Little Boots, and you have the kind of uninteresting soundtrack that OTH successfully stays away from – congrats!

The entire point of this season seems to be that Kristin is a She-wolf -I’m calling that plug now- and no one can overcome her majestic powers. Right. She makes guys want her by swearing, asking weird questions, and not making eye contact? Try it out, Pity-vote Audrina! You can win him back!

So for the next couple weeks, Kristin will be sinking her claws and teeth into Justin Bobby, a fresh new leftover, proving just what kind of taste she has in men…And how you “shouldn’t mess with her” because she’ll steal your ex just like she was about to anyway? Okay, some people are just a waste of breath.

As for Heidi and Spencer, they bought a house! Well, Spencer bought a house Heidi didn’t like and she was still surprised by his habit but she did have one positive thing to say about it. “I love all the trees and the nature.” There ya go, Spencer! She loves the nature that happens to be outside. It’s not all bad.

Tonight, Kristin will go after her fresh meat, cackle, ride his “motorcycle”, and say something short to one of the girls, which they will debate and stew over for the following fifteen minutes. Just a prediction.

Mimi

Once Upon a Time, You Were Queen

One Tree Hill

Fourteen months have passed in OTH Time since May bringing new surprises, characters, and a Dan Scott Dr. Phil-style show titled Redemption. Yes, really. Lucas and Peyton are mentioned about every ten minutes which just reminds us what an important part of One Tree Hill they were and that without them this may very well be the last season.

Dan Scott has a young little wife, Nathan supposedly has a love child, and Brooke is leading a Sam-less life with her sweetie, Julian. Haley’s sister showed up to not add much spice to things, Skills’ relationship is staying PG – maybe because it always seems to include Jamie- and Haley is working on managing the record label instead of her music career. Thrilling. The writers just removed everything we watch OTH for, in two episodes no less. 

“Once upon a time in a far-off land, you were a queen. (but here you are just a loser who will never fit in.)“ 

On Gossip Girl, Blair, Georgina, Vanessa and Dan Humphrey played a dull game of Popularity Tug-of-War: College-style and this time, Blair didn’t come out on top. Isn’t that the purpose of having such a spoiled, dramatic princess in the picture? She wins. Or she pitches a fit about not winning. But either way you know Blair Waldorf will come out on top so you can sit back and enjoy her power struggle getting there. 

As for Leighton, the girl behind the goddess, the predictable Good Girls Go Bad plug we were expecting but somehow missed out on during the premiere showed up during the rooftop party. But none of the girls were going bad. The good girls were staying good. And the bad girls were still bad.

As for Serena, she decided the play hooky before college even started and plans to do nothing in her spare time. New Daddy Rufus wasn’t happy about this and, since the actress playing Lily Bass is still out on maternity leave, there has been a whole lot of Rufus.

Nate is off in Stiff Girlfriend Land (is this possibly where Blair reigned?), awkwardly kissing the tutor from Privileged, and lacking any delivery to his unmemorable lines. Chuck Bass is wrapped up in his next big deal, which Serena screws up a couple times and proceeds to drag Carter Basin into her little game. Too bad they suddenly adore each other-?

Jenny, Eric and anyone else still in HS suddenly doesn’t matter but unlike Lucas and Peyton, their siblings aren’t even acknowledging they exist. Little J might have been a figment of our imaginations…After all, once Blair wins a war is her opponent worth remembering?

Mimi

Serena, I’m Gay

On the return of Gossip Girl, everything seemed back to the same monotony (e.g., Blair and Miss Carr are feuding ten-year-olds, Nate and Vanessa feel too different but resolve things during the episode, not enough of a plotline for Jenny) until sleazebag Carter –C2- turned up again, this time preying on Blair. She was drunk and dramatic. He looks enough like Chuck. Ta-da! Drama.

I have one major, unanswered question: Why does Chuck Bass seem to not go to school with the rest of his classmates? They put on a senior play, Age of Innocence, and C is off with his random girl; trying to get her a fake passport and work around the secret society. Seriously, was he faking it all this time and he’s actually about 22?

One Tree Hill-

OTH, Stop acting like you’re taking Peyton away from us until you actually do! Painfully not-killing-off a main character? Not cool, OTH, not cool.

And suddenly Nate and Haley want to leave Tree Hill? Way to end a show like it was completely inevitable in the most unnatural sequence of events. SO NOT COOL, OTH!

If nothing else, we got to see that Chad Michael Murray and Hilarie Burton can at least act, and of course the Grandpa-Dan vs. Grandma-Deb showdown, followed immediately by Jamie holding the your-table-is-ready-light-up-vibrator and saying “Grandpa. It’s time for you to get better.” Man, can that little kid deliver lines!

Mimi