Mine’s Not Turning On!

On Pretty Little Liars, the Aria and Mr. Fitz love story got more complicated and she threw him the seductive line, “You’re the teacher, I’m the student.” Then they used a double-meaning in the short dialogue, “Thanks for this. I’m having fun.” “Me too.” It was almost too much subtlety.

But if subtlety was the issue, the show not-so-casually renamed Jenna Cavanaugh Jenna Marshall. So that she and Toby can just be two strangers living in the same house?

And lastly, it was a nice change of pace for the show not to end with a disconnected, “suspenseful” scene. Must’ve learned a thing or two from Desperate Housewives’ recent rough patch. That catch-in-the-last-three-minutes trick goes sour pretty fast.

On The Hills,

Heidi and Spencer were referenced this episode. But they did not make an appearance. Because they have no sort of belonging to the show anymore. Since they went overboard. With the crystals. That protect them from bad people…Heidi’s mom was in this episode, but no Heidi-tron.

Holly asked the girls if they were going to Colony, a nightclub, while at a restaurant named Culina. Blink. What a broad vocab, all of Los Angeles.

Then bland Lo asked Stephanie about Costa Rica. Her response was this:

“Like, Audrina and I, like, had a good time. Like, besides, Kristin and Brody. ‘Cause like, it was just kind of like they were arguing and fighting.” Translation: Audrina and I had a good time. But Kristin and Brody were fighting.

Not as if the fighting was on Brody’s mind. He and the boys went out for a bike ride. Welllll, Frankie tried. “Mine’s not turning on!” He exclaimed, over the bike he was entrusted. Before stumble-walk/crashing it into the ground. Alas, silly friend we keep around to share a few laughs!

So, surprise, surprise the girls went to Colony, which is not, in fact, the place they had already been earlier that day. Brody and his homies were there, as well. Just to create drama. No, I’m sure it was a coincidence. Los Angeles is pretty small. And there are only a couple nightclubs.

Bland Lo brings her boyfriend of a year, Scott. Yes, suddenly Scott is a character! This is the first season Lo is even a character, for which she is wholly grateful. Don’t push it, you stodgy, boring two.

Stephanie made her intentions clear to Brody’s latest friend. Brody tried his hardest to sink her battleship; the good, old fashioned hatred resurfacing. And shouldn’t he have been managing his own problems? Sure. But Brody ignored Kristin for his phone.

“Does it bother you that Brody didn’t talk to you?” The idiot clinger bartender chick asked Kristin. Um, a resounding yes!

As far as music, we endured the good (Alicia Keys’ Un-Thinkable; Jason DeRulo’s In My Head), the bad (Adam Lambert), and the ugly (Colbie Callait.)

And as for Audrina…She must have been next to go after Heidi. All building up for the Kristin Show.

Mimi

Justin Bobby Would Look Really Good with a Spray Tan

Heidi and Spencer didn’t even make it on this week’s episode of The Hills – way to have your show ripped out from under you! As for a recap, here’s tonight’s episode in quotes:

Kristin: “I’m always on a freaking man-hunt.”

Lo: “It’s a tough crowd.”

Kristin: “I’m done. Stacie, this is John.”

Stacie: “It’s sad that you guys are friends.”

Audrina: “This is really awkward for me right now.”

Stephanie: “It will look really good with a spray tan.”

Lo: “Like a muppet!”

Stephanie: “It’s like mosh pit music.”

Lo: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Justin so passionate about anything….His shirt. His hat.”

Justin: “How you been?”

Audrina: “Did you cut your hair again?”

Audrina: “We came here to see Purple Melon.”

Justin: “Nah, you came here to see us.”

Audrina: “Alright. It was good seeing you guys.”

Ryan Cabrera: “Where you been?”

Audrina: “I went to see Purple Melon…So I did that and, uh.”

Brody: “I already did apologize.”

Kristin: “Love you too.”

Mimi

Help Her Get Rid of the Body

One Tree Hill-

“Get a shovel and help her get rid of (Alex’s) body,” has been Brooke’s attitude for a while now. The fact that Julian and Alex were able to kiss and make up and focus on Alex’s “script” isn’t helping things. Meanwhile, Millie just wants to be Alex and has no idea that Mouth has been fired because being a fake model is more important. Haley got arrested, Nate has been useless and Jamie: super-introverted and emotional. Somehow we’re still dwelling on Quinn and David and how she is sexually-inactive sleepover buddies with Clay…Excuse me, but where did the writers go? Did they leave with Lucas, Peyton and baby? Did they quit shortly after Nanny Carrie and Q got shot? Soon we’re going to care about Skills and Tina which is even worse than Kate Voegele and that guy LC dated!

Gossip Girl-

Who knew the Van der Woodsen-Humphrey kids could be so Brady-like? Meddle for their parents’ sake much? And what could make their force stronger than inviting ol’ Peter Brady into the gang? Gaining a Jan. But beisdes that, nothing!

Georgina. Winning, losing, violating Dan Humphrey…Serena. Playing stupid and falling for the same guys over and over…Bree. Blandly betraying and getting found out…Vanessa. Not being liked by two guys at once. Jenny. Wait. Is Jenny still on the show?

The girls never cease to amaze us with their mediocrity! Maybe if they were doing shady things like the guys; making deals, having sloppy affairs, 2-minute flings, being secretive and talking in hushed voices; maybe then it would all be worthwhile. Prepare yourselves for Blair Waldorf, jewelry thief.

Greek-

So Cappie and Evan and Casey are friends…but only in secret, which means basically never, and Cappie and Casey still won’t be together? OK. Just checking. Rusty and Jordan had broken up but Rusty realized he has no game and other girls don’t want to date him so he tried to get her back with a roomful of people hanging on his every pathetic word. Dale is once again “in a relationship with God”, Casey is openly jealous of Cappie’s girl, Ashley and Fisher have nothing in common, and Beaver is always ready to defend a bro. Sounds about right. 

The Hills-

K-Cav has never hit it off with another girl before as well as she is with Skanktender Stacie! What a relief!

Jayde, Brody’s girlfriend, throws Brody a birthday party (c’mon, doesn’t the guy have a birthday every 3 months or so now?). K-Cav announces she’ll have an after-party at her house. Brody says he’ll go. Jayde is thinking “huh?”, gets mad, walks away. Brody shouts “We don’t care. Leave. We don’t care.” He is such a winner – I still can’t believe it didn’t work out between him and Kristin.

And hold up a minute! Stupid-ass Pratt is able to hang out with K-Cav and Skanktender now? Since when? Remember “do you own pants?” and “you need to respect Audrina” (rebuttal) “this is how it’s gonna be?” How much extra are they being paid to tolerate each other, seriously?

“Love is the kind of thing that ends a relationship,” is the dumbest thing Brody has said since not recognizing Jimmy Carter. Why are we celebrating this moron’s 3-month birthday???

Off in Heidi & Spencer land, Spencer is trying to play lose-golf with his brilliant friend, Charlie, when End-Zone shows up right on cue. Spencer asks him “how did you get in?” Enzo, as rehearsed, says “0-3-1-0,” grinning devilishly and fingering the rolled up dollar bills in his chinos’ pocket.

But Spencer redeems himself when he takes Heidi to a ‘fancy dinner’ dressed like a cowboy extra. Heidi asks him to take the hat off but Spencer is wiser than that, remarking, “Only a true man can wear a beaver-skin hat to dinner.” Audrina could learn a thing or two from these words of wisdom!

Mimi

You Match!

On the season finale of The Hills, Heidi immediately rambled off all the unrealistic things she wanted at her wedding to Special-Ed Pratt, who tried to absorb this information and make sense out of it, of course, failing. Give her some metallic pens, on the other hand, and she’ll get right on that.

“I want jewels, diamonds dripping, (?) and my dress is very, like, swan-princess-esque so, like, I want real swans there.”

“And you want, like, a lot of flowers?” Special-Ed checks, not making any notes. Told you that was her specialty.

“A lot of flowers, all up the aisles (?), all over the altzer (that’s a new one!) I want it to be like a gggarden.”

“What kind of cake?”

“Like white chocolate mousse truffle vanilla, y’know with the berries in it.” She grins and nods her empty head.

“You just named, like, so many flavors.” Special-Ed says, blinking, crossing and uncrossing her eyes. That’s when you can tell she’s about to shut down.

Yeah, you know; licorice-tangerine-peppermint soul-sucking flavor. That’s what I want.

Y’know, for a wedding you supposedly put so much thought into, turns out you really didn’t put all that much thought into it. Guess you thought it would never happen.

Special Pratt would, in all her expertise, wisdom, and many years of former party planning order a dozen daisies, a Big Bird Happy 3rd Birthday Sheet Cake and a goofy clown.

“Maid of honor?” Special asks, visibly crossing her fingers in the air and chanting “please me. please me.”

“Holly.” Heidi answers, watching her deflate, “Just because she’s been my sister, y’know, my whole life.” ‘Good answer! Good answer!‘ Family Feud contestants cheer her on in her mind.

*Special-Ed Pratt punches Heidi in her alligator-jaw*

The best thing Heidi has to say at her bachelorette party is, brace yourselves, “I said to Spencer ’til death do us part, so buddy if that’s how you’re going…” I knew it!

The dinner rehearsal was a disaster since Holly decided to get wasted on champagne or whatever it was she smuggled in her unstained purse. Spencer’s sister, Stephanie, there, I’ll say her name once, gave a very sweet toast and Holly thought she had to chime in.

“Ching-ching-ching.” Dumb, drunken speech a-coming! Then she throws food and stalks off. Her mommy goes to console her. *burble-burble* *hate making Spencer look polite and refined*

She met with Heidi for lunch the next day and would’ve been better off if she’d said “So what were you up last night? I think I downed some Boones and passed out on the couch. Or something.”

On the day of the wedding, yes, the actual real-live wedding, the church was definitely halfed into Evil and non-Evil sides. Stacie, “the bartender”? Evil side. Justin Bobby? Evil side. Kristen Cavallari? Right over here next to Justin on the Evil side.

As soon as Lauren took a seat next to Lo, she pointed out that Kristen was there, happily adding “You match!” Ah, that’s what friends are for.

And just when you thought it would be overlooked, it was addressed. Will the congregation, both Evil and non-Evil sides, please stand?

Spencer and Heidi (for the record Heidi, in her own words = goddess/princess/special person, got it?) went out to their people for just a little more added attention and Kristen Cavallari stole that by saying she needed a man and catching the bouqet.

Lauren left through a back door straight to her limo, which was bigger than the just-married couple’s, away from the attention-crazed reality stars and away from the show altogether.

The 2009 MTV Movie Awards Breakdown–

Tweener vampire flick Twilight won basically everything which was totally coincidental since the entire audience was made up of Twilight cast members! They were very appreciative; for example, we watched in slow-mo as Kristen Stewart threw her award on the floor and fled in a stoned stupor.

Eminem made a scene after being involved, and obviously not told beforehand, in a dumb mid-show skit where he got Sacha Baron Cohen balls-in-the-face. His four of five gigantic bodyguards took care of Sacha and Eminem stormed off, drama-queen-style as always.

Leighton accepted her farting habit. Man up, outdated white’n’nerdy boy.

Megan Fox also refused to play along with any jokes but that was on account of her lacking a personality and, along with it, a sense of humor.

Vanessa Hudgens was acknowledged for her “brave documentary of an all-gay high school” Triumph the insult-dog called Ben Stiller an ape, Anna Faris swore loudly when Jim Carrey won her award, and the music portion of the night carried on.

There was a well-orchestrated and, well, orchestrated collaboration of Adam Sandwich, er, Andy Samberg’s “classics” which unfortunately, meant no Motherlovers.

Kings of Leon performed Use Somebody but I was miffed that there wasn’t enough of the cutie of the band, bassist Jared, and once again couldn’t look Caleb in the eye. OK, no one can.

Andy did his best keeping everything under control but how can you truly control so many egos in one room?

Wait until Eminem leaves.

Mimi