This Baby’s About to Make Everyone Mad

On the subject of Shows to Not be Forgotten and Unwatched on DVR-

The Season Finale of Gossip Girl was a doozy. (Spoiler Alert) What with little Jenny Humphrey losing her virginity to Chuck Bass, Serena and Nate breaking up, Dan ready to dump Vanessa for Serena, Chuck’s near-proposal, Georgina’s return, lovechild and all, and Chuck Bass getting shot. So we’ve been waiting all season and the writers had some genius epiphany while writing the last episode?

The least-arousing twists of the episode were Deroda’s comic timing in going into labor and Jenny being shipped off to Hudson; as if she’ll actually stay away. Or will she possibly be handed her own series called The It Girl?

This season’s ending was a throwback to previous seasons; Jenny on a train looking solemn much like another blond beauty on the show; and Serena and Blair packing, talking of summer vacation and the future yet again. This deserves a nod, nothing more.

As far as music, Gossip Girl came through as other current shows *cough cough not naming names* can no longer. Does a representation of current music get much better than a cover of Queen feat. David Bowie’s Under Pressure?

I’d say NYC’s very own little pimp/billionaire getting shot qualifies as pressure, indeed.

Mimi

What a Lousy Matchmaker

she got all quiet and weird. like a chick.

On The Hills,

It was a total coincidence that the cameramen could be with Kristin while she called Brody and with Brody while he acknowledged the call and didn’t pick up – at the most oppurtune moment! Then Brody went on to tell the new girl, and the viewing audience, that he and Kristen used to go out five years ago. A little intense on the first date, Brody, or just crumbling to your suggested plotline?

Brody went to Charlie for manlike consolation and, in the process, reminded Charlie that he was a creepy old guy. Implying that Charlie is a loser? Now who would believe that!

Meanwhile, Stephanie said how she was ready for a guy, since she was sober, relatively stable, and had cut Heidi and Spencer out of her life. Then Lo found a guy to set her up with and she agreed. And then she told Audrina she didn’t know if the timing was right. Um, your life isn’t about to get any less complicated any time soon. You’re still directly related to Spencer Pratt. 

So Lo took Stephanie on a date. And there were a couple guys there. She told her what to wear and made a big deal about introducing her to her date, but only as a ruse. She wanted all of her special friend’s attention! She screeched, “Stephanie, you’re dating a model!” at her friend, a minute after they ordered drinks, when, really, she was talking to her more than…what was his name again? Then Lo said she liked what was happening and her boyfriend was the one to point out things were getting weird. She signaled she was going to the bathroom and Stephanie agreed begrudgingly. Of course she needed more alone time! Going on dates with icky boys is just no fun.

Brody decided yet again that the way to get someone’s attention and dominate in a conversation is by saying the same thing six times in a row at rapid speed. It didn’t work since Kristin still told him to shut up. I second that. Shut up, Brody.

Mimi

She’s Only Allowed to Pet Puppies

On The Hills,

Spencer insulted his former friends for no reason, Heidi blipped out “Spencer is my life” and then he announced that she was only allowed to read books, write poetry, and pet puppies. So really, our crazy, crystal-bearing Spencer has his very own Heiditron! Does it work like a Dyson? Using magic suction?

Holly, Stephanie, Kristin, Lo and Audrina discussed Heidi and Spencer in what would have been an intervention…if they cared enough. And while some of the girls cried and most of them were serious, Audrina smiled the whole time. Normally that works when she’s pretending she knows what’s going on.

Oh, and then there was Uncle Cracker.

-Excuse me? Baking powder? Uncle? Cracker? On The Hills?!

Yes. With old Kris Allen as his wingman. Way to go ruining the music selection on this sinking ship, Hills’ producers.

Mimi

Hear That, Lambie?

On The Hills, Spencer nearly suffocated himself in his own freak flag; screaming at everyone and clutching small animals while sporting his new necklaces and crystals. Many conversations went like this one:

Spencer says, “I say things that I feel.” 

Heidi says, “Let’s all take a breath.”

What was the occasion for his erratic behavior? Enzo’s birthday party that Heidi threw for him, of course. Now all of Heidi and Spencer’s friends are finally beginning to realize that, hey, these people are nuts! And so the series will end. But not before airing the most ill-fitting soundtrack The Hills has ever heard.

Hey, Soul Sister? Come on! This is MTV. You’re supposed to bring us new music, not a worn-out, four minute riddle that we’ve heard on repeat for the past three months. It didn’t even fit the scene! Smooth one. Why do I feel like there is not-so-subtle satire within all of these mismatched songs? The dude who picks the music must be in cahoots with the producers.

Mimi

Ascertain Used to be Her Stripper Name

Betty White would say Facebook was for losers but she’s too polite – and too excited to be hosting Saturday Night Live – something that Facebook users originally started as a petition. She starred as just about every original character’s mom, grandma, or great-aunt on the show for the night, which of course entailed playing dead. We got our fill of old person jokes for the whole week; i.e., “It’s like my underwear. It Depends.” Was it refreshingly new and witty? No. But it was Betty White so, if nothing else, it was acceptable. The same Betty White to whom Jay-Z dedicated Forever Young.

Mimi

She’s Transformed Into Lady Gaga

The Hills-

Kristin immediately bites back referencing last week and defends her case regarding Miami Beach. “When I had a better time than they did, they all got super jealous.” Then we were supposed to forget that Audrina and Kristin were enemies, as Kristin hung out at her new bestie’s house.

Heidi and Spencer continued to be a fabrication of reality; commenting that it was weird being out with civilians and talking nonstop about displaying her new “assets.” Spencer continues to act less and less like her significant other and more like an investor.

Yet on Spencer’s day off, he goes full-out stoner mentality with good pal Charlie, in matching hemp necklaces and alternating comparisons to the ocean. And Spencer is wearing an unexplained amount of crystals around his neck. And he takes Kristin a crystal. Like it’s voodoo is doing him a whole lot of good.

Meanwhile, Audrina was dating Ryan Cabrera. Totally casual; normal; not a convenient show cameo at all. I do agree it could be an excuse to share hair straighteners, though.

The uninteresting featured music included a Rihanna comeback song, the Ludacris web sensation, and that’s right; we were left with none other than Adam Lambert ringing in our ears. No joke.

Mimi

Why Would You Want to Look Like Barbie?

The most refreshing thing on TV last week came surprisingly from The Hills Final Season Premiere. That’s a rather appealing bonus word, no? Final. The biggest changes are that Lo was finally added as a main character, Stephanie Pratt had gotten into trouble and, oh, Heidi.

Let me set this up the way the producers chose. In one of the first scenes, Heidi and Spencer are having a conversation from two different rooms; a conversation that sounds more scripted than The Hills has ever sounded. This takes a lot. It took the substance of the show from simply bad writers to what sounded like voice-overs. The documentary version of LA; the plastic stereotype we never cared to witness coming to life. Comparing the “after” disaster to the “before” photos scattered around her parents’ house. I’ll put it this way. Someone’s new face should not be treated as an unveiling.

Meanwhile, Audrina, Lo and I-Had-a-DUI weren’t happy with Kristin. Even though they knew she was trouble and she wasn’t like them and they did invite her in the first place. So after the slow realization that their generous invitation was a bad idea, and because they were hurt that Kristin wasn’t spending time with them and was making them late…they called her a crackhead.

Futhermore, I will not be surprised when this season comes to a close and Audrina or Kristin are given their own shows immediately thereafter. The show is now revealing the true Heidi and Spencer through talented filming and editing and I believe they are the reason The Hills has its expiration date. Heidi has taken the show as her new representation of reality and unfortunately let her life become a freak show. The second the public stops playing into her games, the better off she will be.

Mimi