The Heres & Theres Of TV – Fall 2011

Recently on GOSSIP GIRL the writers put on their big person pants and described Dan Humphrey’s novel as “a memoir masquerading his fiction like a reverse James Frey.” Speaking of course of the unlikely best-selling author who writes about his real life near-death drug abuse littered with f-bombs and colorful expletives. Up and over 85% of the viewers’ recognition. Ain’t it a shame that you set your average material to meet a lower mental capacity and therefore must stick to simple pop culture jokes, Gossip Girl?

Meanwhile, on THE LYING GAME, they have displayed illegal underage gambling as the setting was Nevada and we’re supposed to believe that, of course, all high schoolers gamble in Nevada. Also remarkably, a handful of sixteen year old girls are very much in love with their boyfriends of the minute. If we’re actually supposed to buy their feelings, they’re even worse actresses than I first thought. In addition, they crammed in the song American Slang by rock-Americana band The Gaslight Anthem this past week and few songs could have fit the mood less. Nevertheless, in a positive spin, we may have successfully killed off the selfish twin on the show.

And for the unfortunately-timed CW‘s new drama RINGER the possibly impressive plotline only seemed like a sad rehashing of The Lying Game. Nobody likes a copycat – even if they might like the 90s-actress’-career-revival of Sarah Michelle Gellar. I bet only one of these Olsen twin switch-ups will be back for more.

 

On THE JERSEY SHORE the roommates had been *twinning* for a while until Old Man Situation had to go and ruin it for everyone. First, he ran into a wall and basically wore an injured dog cone. Talked smack about Snooki. Tried to break up Snooki and her meatball-proportioned boyfriend. Fought invisible foes. Cried. Started fights with teenagers in clubs. Talked more smack about Snooki. And last but not least decided to be Jersey Shore’s villain. I’m sorry, is that a role? Like how JWOWW’s the mom and Deena’s the bi-curious, misunderstood Cindy Brady? The best new relationship is between Pauly and Deena. The one where she says, “I love Pauly” and Pauly says “Deena fell down! This is the best day of my life.” In all seriousness, Pauly and Vinny have a newly-strengthened emotional/sexual relationship since divorcing the M of MVP. Nevertheless, the season has pulled to a close and the cast has said “sayonara” to Italy.

On the new Charlie Sheen-cleansed and increasingly awkwardly-titled season of TWO AND A HALF MEN the maid has inherited more lines, the half man is hardly ever present and Jon Cryer is getting even campier. To the point the end of every episode is a deep sigh/head shaking moment at something completely cheesy stick-in-the-mud Alan just did. Ashton Kutcher’s character, Walden, is winning but perhaps just not winning enough.

And on the topic of overdoing it, PAN AM seems to be the lead in the school play who’s only the lead because she talks the loudest, can sing in two different languages, and makes eye contact with audience members. I have two main issues with this show. My first issue is with the spy flight attendants. Talking about being a spy does not make you a very effective spy. None of your spy duties are that impressive just as none of you skills are that crafty – you’re just gloating over a game you haven’t won, spy chick. My second issue lies with the extremely dashing, extremely young pilot, played by Mike Vogel. Does that happen anywhere but Hollywood? More importantly, since he’s obviously not experienced enough and probably spends too much time gazing into the eyes of a flight attendant, how safe do the passengers feel? Planes are already unreliable enough in this age! What’s that? There’s a handy-dandy spy on board? OK, feeling much safer.

Mimi

Is There a Following For This Cult?

Cults: Cults

Retro duo Cults bring us a sound that seems to be revived every thirty years. A sound rumbling from 50s diner jukeboxes and stereos in the 80s and now from our iPods/Touches/Pads and more. But one thing is for certain – New York Native bandmates Madeline Follin and Brian Oblivion are definitely trying to make a name for themselves.

They share vocals; she takes the high road, he takes the low. On Bumper Oblivion sounds remarkably reminiscent of David Bowie as Follin’s voice is often a throwback to Cyndi Lauper’s. Surely, no one would hold this stunning similarity against them.

With the inside language of You Know What I Mean (no, not really?) and the eyes closed/thrashing chosen for even their quietest burble of a tune, Cults seem to want to be just that – a cult. But all cults need a following to truly exist.

If this duo is soon able to pinpoint their angst, under the spotlight on the number Never Heal Myself (i.e. I could never heal myself enough for you), into something relatable, only then will they be adult enough to call themselves a cult. Their target audience is hipster kids who want a message to sing out or an anthem to believe in; it’s Follin and Oblivion’s job to deliver.

Don’t take it personally, guys. At least you aren’t calling your fans “little monsters”, cross-dressing with no direction, and making the world hate the word “glory” faster than any other word in the English dictionary. You’ve got time for all that.

Mimi

The Whistling Winds

We’ve got a new craze on our hands in the music world and, surprisingly, that craze happens to be whistling. Since last year, it has been popping up more and more in charting songs so let’s review how we reached where we are now.

The very beginning of this current whistling era (about four years ago) was led by Peter Bjorn and John‘s Young Folks, a song that was added as background noise in anything from commercials to TV shows and seamlessly embedded into our brains. The first building block.

 

Last year, we were eased into The Black Keys‘ latest work with a whistling intro to Tighten Up. This song would eventually yield a music award for the duo, well, technically for The Black Eyed Peas.

Also about that time the song Let’s Go Surfing materialized and was the only song noticed by relative unknown, 80s-throwback The Drums. Maybe their sound would have gone over better if the entire album featured impressive whistling.

 

So, with little hesitation, Britney jumped on the bandwagon with the release of Femme Fatale in January. Her song I Wanna Go skyrocketed on the pop charts over the summer and, sure, you could write it up to being backed by a platinum princess but come on. The whistling is in the chorus’ lead-in, repeated three times, and did not get on her listeners’ nerves.

After I Wanna Go came the xylophone/whistling mix The Good Life by OneRepublic. Yes, it’s an incessent, repetitive tune used in every movie trailer, TV drama, and inspirational moment of basically anything, I’d put money on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, for three months straight.

Which brings us to now. With Foster The People‘s sudden first class flight to fame and Adam Levine reigniting his music career by way of reality television, both are competing for the top spot. Number one song in the country. Whatever new club body-grind-synth-hip-hop mix feat. DJ Swack-Swack of the moment cannot hold on to that #1. It’s between sunny Pumped Up Kicks and the I-got-swagger Moves Like Jagger. Take your guesses.

The statistics are there when you actually step back, stop whistling along, and examine it. It’s not a normal trend, that’s for sure. Soon artists might just hum their lyrics because singing is evidently way out of fashion.

Mimi

Small Town, Big Stretch

The CW’s Hart of Dixie is one of the saddest attempts that has come about since Wildfire, ABC Family’s show about a horse-loving girl. Starring the dull and uninspiring Rachel Bilson, it is a fish-out-of-water story about a young city slicker doctor thrown into a country bumpkin town.

Factors that add up to failure:

1. Her nemesis’ name is Lemon.

2. Multiple men are alreay falling for her.

3. There has been a parade with themed floats and, now, a gumbo cook-off. That is the excitement.

4. “Zoey” is so not a doctor.

Rachel Bilson is not, in this universe or the next, easily considered a doctor. Or a brainiac. We’re not buying it. She stutters two-syllables words and whines at the Jumper kid because she is in a permanent state of confusion. The citizens of whatever town this is should NOT trust Rachel Bilson with their lives. We side with them, thank you. Go back to high school.

Mimi

The City Where Everything Sparkles

Gossip Girl opened this week with the now-familiar melody “I just came to say hello,” and predictable views of the Upper East Side. Hello is by the band Martin Solveig & Dragonette. Yeah, that’s why you don’t know who sings that song. Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

In a dull little run-around we found out that Ivy was hired by Serena’s aunt to gain access to the real Charlie‘s trust fund and drain it. Of course. And Ivy is holding the secret against her to get to stay in the city where everything sparkles. Well, almost everything.

Blair finally told Louis she was pregnant and we think it’s his, maybe not, Serena was yet again adorned with chunky necklaces, Chuck has a new dog companion with a funny name, and Dan Humphrey is somehow in the middle of the chaos, thrusting the paternity test results at the Princess. An absent this season Vanessa made sure to get Dan’s book published and now he has to face his worst fears; his peers hating him all over again. And in the middle of all this he got a note from Pretty Little Liars‘ blackmailer A. Got you back, Gossip Girl impersonator.

Meanwhile, Nate’s older woman had him playing dirty and for once he should have taken Chuck’s advice: “This is not the kind of job you should get from a chick at a Hollywood party.” Amen, cold-hearted Bass.

What else could Ivy possibly sink her claws into now that she’s back? She already stole Dan from her psuedo-cousin, so what’s next? After all, Ivy sure didn’t come back just to say hello.

Mimi

You Better Run, Better Run Faster Than Blair Waldorf

Gossip Girl kicked off this week with its second Foster The People song to lead us into the show. Yes, with Pumped Up Kicks it is officially old news. So much for staying on the cutting edge, GG.

Charlie/Ivy is a main player again, with Serena blindly trying to rent a house for the pair as Ivy scrambles to escape her lies. No such luck and Ivy parts ways with her actual boyfriend to stay with her make-believe cousin and socialite Serena van der Woodsen. And the duo end up heading back to the Upper East Side. Just as well. Blair will need someone to hold her hair.

Yes. Miss Princess-to-be Blair Cordelia Waldorf is officially with child and she brings up her one-night-stand with Chuck so often that it is inevitably his baby and they’ll call off the wedding. If Blair does not miscarry and end up with Chuck this could very easily kill off the show for good. But wouldn’t it be lovely if it could be Humphrey’s? Or they could play pretend. After all, it wouldn’t be the first baby he’s raised that wasn’t his.

Speaking of Dan Humphrey, early in the episode a v-necked Dan found Chuck Bass in a heated v-neck alley rough-up by following the oddly precise Gossip Girl tracker. We imagined there were punches thrown and blood shed. And it was a brutal imaginary sight indeed. Then Dan and Nate played Chuck’s parents and it was weird. Even weirder than Nate’s dating pattern – affairs with older women.

So what will be in store for Serena as she returns to the big apple? Will Louis break things off with Blair and fall for her instead? Will she also be related to Nate’s new, British fling? Will Charlie wear more atrocious, pinched cameltoe-inducing leggings? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Mimi