The Heres & Theres Of TV – Fall 2011

Recently on GOSSIP GIRL the writers put on their big person pants and described Dan Humphrey’s novel as “a memoir masquerading his fiction like a reverse James Frey.” Speaking of course of the unlikely best-selling author who writes about his real life near-death drug abuse littered with f-bombs and colorful expletives. Up and over 85% of the viewers’ recognition. Ain’t it a shame that you set your average material to meet a lower mental capacity and therefore must stick to simple pop culture jokes, Gossip Girl?

Meanwhile, on THE LYING GAME, they have displayed illegal underage gambling as the setting was Nevada and we’re supposed to believe that, of course, all high schoolers gamble in Nevada. Also remarkably, a handful of sixteen year old girls are very much in love with their boyfriends of the minute. If we’re actually supposed to buy their feelings, they’re even worse actresses than I first thought. In addition, they crammed in the song American Slang by rock-Americana band The Gaslight Anthem this past week and few songs could have fit the mood less. Nevertheless, in a positive spin, we may have successfully killed off the selfish twin on the show.

And for the unfortunately-timed CW‘s new drama RINGER the possibly impressive plotline only seemed like a sad rehashing of The Lying Game. Nobody likes a copycat – even if they might like the 90s-actress’-career-revival of Sarah Michelle Gellar. I bet only one of these Olsen twin switch-ups will be back for more.

 

On THE JERSEY SHORE the roommates had been *twinning* for a while until Old Man Situation had to go and ruin it for everyone. First, he ran into a wall and basically wore an injured dog cone. Talked smack about Snooki. Tried to break up Snooki and her meatball-proportioned boyfriend. Fought invisible foes. Cried. Started fights with teenagers in clubs. Talked more smack about Snooki. And last but not least decided to be Jersey Shore’s villain. I’m sorry, is that a role? Like how JWOWW’s the mom and Deena’s the bi-curious, misunderstood Cindy Brady? The best new relationship is between Pauly and Deena. The one where she says, “I love Pauly” and Pauly says “Deena fell down! This is the best day of my life.” In all seriousness, Pauly and Vinny have a newly-strengthened emotional/sexual relationship since divorcing the M of MVP. Nevertheless, the season has pulled to a close and the cast has said “sayonara” to Italy.

On the new Charlie Sheen-cleansed and increasingly awkwardly-titled season of TWO AND A HALF MEN the maid has inherited more lines, the half man is hardly ever present and Jon Cryer is getting even campier. To the point the end of every episode is a deep sigh/head shaking moment at something completely cheesy stick-in-the-mud Alan just did. Ashton Kutcher’s character, Walden, is winning but perhaps just not winning enough.

And on the topic of overdoing it, PAN AM seems to be the lead in the school play who’s only the lead because she talks the loudest, can sing in two different languages, and makes eye contact with audience members. I have two main issues with this show. My first issue is with the spy flight attendants. Talking about being a spy does not make you a very effective spy. None of your spy duties are that impressive just as none of you skills are that crafty – you’re just gloating over a game you haven’t won, spy chick. My second issue lies with the extremely dashing, extremely young pilot, played by Mike Vogel. Does that happen anywhere but Hollywood? More importantly, since he’s obviously not experienced enough and probably spends too much time gazing into the eyes of a flight attendant, how safe do the passengers feel? Planes are already unreliable enough in this age! What’s that? There’s a handy-dandy spy on board? OK, feeling much safer.

Mimi

Shame on You, Chuck Bass

Gossip Girl-

So after Chuck used Blair and abused her trust, he wedged himself into her family’s plans. And then he called Nate stupid. Add in string players sporting a Black Eyed Peas arrangement, Dan Humphrey being recruited as the help once more and Serena sneaking behind Nate’s back and everyone was in for an eventful night. Eventually Blair realized she wasn’t any better than Chuck since they were playing the same game and Chuck wordlessly presented her with jewelry which she wordlessly accepted. Nate wasn’t as forgiving with Serena. But wait! Blair Waldorf was not done with juggling emotions and receiving others’ attention just yet! She announced she wasn’t happy with nor did she want to be with Chuck. Oh, and by the looks of their hair, both Serena and Blair trudged through a tornado between the games and the reception.

And the most unbelievable thing of all is that the setting is at Deroda and Vagna, the maid and doorman,’s wedding. The core of the characters is that most of them are status-obsessed and do not mingle with the help. But, sure, if we believed that Dan Humphrey and Blair Waldorf could be friends, we can believe this.

Mimi

Is it a Chuck Bass Version of Narnia?

GG-

D + S are “over!” Who’s surprised? Ooh! Not me! Not me!

B was in trouble then not (hello! no cell phones for Constance girls? what were they thinking?!), Miss Carr was scandalized over someone witnessing her having frequent coffees with Dan Humphrey, then her name was cleared, B was expelled (this couldn’t even last a whole episode?), back in, MC was fired, B was wrongfully cleared, and finally MC was back in but she wouldn’t be aware of this, as she was undressing D at the time of the call. Guess the best-friends-with-S thing wasn’t destined to last long…

Meanwhile, C is obsessed with some mystery nanny he met in his drugged-out dreams and N and V finally make a laid-back appearance as a couple. Excuse me: adorable!

GG needs more plotlines as opposed to, I don’t know, the same tired, recycled one. 

OTH-

We learned a valuable dating tip from Jamie Scott on One Tree Hill last night. When your wingman is focusing in on your prospective woman, shouting “He was in jail!” usually throws said woman off the scent. Of course this was his teacher, let’s call her Tina, and his wingman was his grandpa, the wonderful Dan Scott. Later, Jamie broke down and told him “Go away. You’re mean. That’s why daddy and uncle Lucas don’t like you.” Good point!

Oh, the OTH mini-controversies!

The whole episode was a clever casting session for all the characters on OTH, being cast as their teenage counterparts in Lucas’ movie. Peyton wasn’t allowed to see her fiancee unless she tried out for the role of “Peyton Sawyer” and Brooke was stalked by her actress-self, embodying Brooke and making notes on her every move, mastering her raspy voice, and suggesting sluttier clothes for her character. Brooke was upset by Julian’s casting requirements of her high school self’s part (and that he agreed with the sluttier clothes) but all was resolved in the end.

Whew, OTH! That was about to get controversial!

A Double Shot at Love (season finale)-

There was a plan, not from the beginning… but nearing the last couple weeks, an unspoken plan had definitely been set in motion. Trevor adored Rikki and “had a lot of fun” with Vikki. Rebekah clicked with Vikki and so did her son. Trevor told Rikki he loved her. It was an obvious finale! Rikki and Trevor, Vikki and Rebekah. But no. First, both girls send Rebekah home, saying they’re in love with someone else: Trevor. Bum-bum-bum! Yeah, we figured that out. Trevor comes and hovers between them on their floating platforms, which looks curiously close to walking a plank either way, and says how much he likes Rikki, which we, and she, already know. They tell him its his decision. Trevor is not the best decision-maker in the world. He says something about being honest with himself and walks over the Vikki plank. WHAT?!?! Yes, Rikki, we were surprised as you.

There you go, folks. Don’t leave anything up to an easily-distracted, barely-opinionated surfer.

Mimi