You Better Run, Better Run Faster Than Blair Waldorf

Gossip Girl kicked off this week with its second Foster The People song to lead us into the show. Yes, with Pumped Up Kicks it is officially old news. So much for staying on the cutting edge, GG.

Charlie/Ivy is a main player again, with Serena blindly trying to rent a house for the pair as Ivy scrambles to escape her lies. No such luck and Ivy parts ways with her actual boyfriend to stay with her make-believe cousin and socialite Serena van der Woodsen. And the duo end up heading back to the Upper East Side. Just as well. Blair will need someone to hold her hair.

Yes. Miss Princess-to-be Blair Cordelia Waldorf is officially with child and she brings up her one-night-stand with Chuck so often that it is inevitably his baby and they’ll call off the wedding. If Blair does not miscarry and end up with Chuck this could very easily kill off the show for good. But wouldn’t it be lovely if it could be Humphrey’s? Or they could play pretend. After all, it wouldn’t be the first baby he’s raised that wasn’t his.

Speaking of Dan Humphrey, early in the episode a v-necked Dan found Chuck Bass in a heated v-neck alley rough-up by following the oddly precise Gossip Girl tracker. We imagined there were punches thrown and blood shed. And it was a brutal imaginary sight indeed. Then Dan and Nate played Chuck’s parents and it was weird. Even weirder than Nate’s dating pattern – affairs with older women.

So what will be in store for Serena as she returns to the big apple? Will Louis break things off with Blair and fall for her instead? Will she also be related to Nate’s new, British fling? Will Charlie wear more atrocious, pinched cameltoe-inducing leggings? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Mimi

YES, Brought To You By The Upper Crust

On the season premiere summer-to-fall transition episode of Gossip Girl, the word yes is as overworked as a runway show and 60% of the Upper East Side has moved to California. In the strangest twist, everyone’s new love interests have accents. Are we supposed to believe that Los Angeles and England are the same place or is one of the casting directors geographically challenged?

Blair wore some curtains and sent out wedding invitations for her syrupy new romance. Dopey Deroda took the fall for the pregnancy test and the teeming news will surely shriek like a tea kettle when she starts showing. Then again, this just might be the death of this show – Blair Spawn. We liked seeing Blair Waldorf torture girls in high school who were forced to sit lower on the steps. We don’t want to see her mommy and marry Prince Charming. Not when her alternatives are Chuck and Dan.

This episode featured the synth/techno explosion (and Electric Feel’s half-sibling) Houdini by Foster The People. Possibly three months too late, possibly right on time.

So, Dan Humphrey is silently pining for Blair’s love and attention and, oh yeah, the resurfacing of a couple con artists we don’t care about. Hmm. Sounds like Juliet all over again. Just other side plots to be brushed under the rug because Serena is wearing a giant necklace at the time.

But the one thing we have missed the most are of course Chuck Bass’ snippy one liners. Lecherous, cringe-worthy, but so fitting, here are a couple of the best:

(Regarding one of his sexual escapades) “If you hear anything crazy, it means I’m doing something right.”

“People like me don’t write books. We’re written about.”

And isn’t that the truth!

Mimi