I’ll Post If I Want To

12,000 blog views and happy birthday to me…

Mimi

She’s Transformed Into Lady Gaga

The Hills-

Kristin immediately bites back referencing last week and defends her case regarding Miami Beach. “When I had a better time than they did, they all got super jealous.” Then we were supposed to forget that Audrina and Kristin were enemies, as Kristin hung out at her new bestie’s house.

Heidi and Spencer continued to be a fabrication of reality; commenting that it was weird being out with civilians and talking nonstop about displaying her new “assets.” Spencer continues to act less and less like her significant other and more like an investor.

Yet on Spencer’s day off, he goes full-out stoner mentality with good pal Charlie, in matching hemp necklaces and alternating comparisons to the ocean. And Spencer is wearing an unexplained amount of crystals around his neck. And he takes Kristin a crystal. Like it’s voodoo is doing him a whole lot of good.

Meanwhile, Audrina was dating Ryan Cabrera. Totally casual; normal; not a convenient show cameo at all. I do agree it could be an excuse to share hair straighteners, though.

The uninteresting featured music included a Rihanna comeback song, the Ludacris web sensation, and that’s right; we were left with none other than Adam Lambert ringing in our ears. No joke.

Mimi

We are in the Middle of Nowhere

On The Amazing Race (16), we were rewarded with Caite and Jordan teaming up for the Intersection challenge. To the sound of Jordan’s partner, Jeff, somehow encouraging them by cheering, “Smash it!” they were off. You see, Jordan let Caite, “lead the way.” And with the first train that Caite saw, her eyes lighting up, she said, “Let’s get on.” Easy enough! This race was so simple! And they were looking so smart! Yes, it was the wrong train.

Later, when these two stunningly brilliant teammates had to go their seperate ways, Jordan and Jeff picked the plagued taxi driver of their current leg.

“We are in the middle of nowhere.” Jeff noticed, once they had past an Albertanian sitting at a bus stop. Sorry. I saw that oppurtunity and I seized it. (Hanson’s first album is titled Middle of Nowhere.)

Meanwhile, Dan and Jordan were having different issues of their own. “Let’s stop wasting balls and time!” Dan/Jordan told brother Jordan/Dan. I honestly have no idea how to tell them apart.

But are we really done with accidentally funny quotes from Big Brother team Jordan and Jeff, you ask? Of course not.

“When we saw that we had to drink the beer I knew that we would be so good because he likes to drink beer.” Jordan says earnestly. Yes. Many oafy guys like yours like to drink beer.

I have to admit that Jeff really is up there in intelligence with Jordan and Caite. Caite’s partner, Brent (Brett?) is just spacey and lame but Jeff’s redeeming quality is saying things that don’t fit into the context like, “Smash it.” He hit his head at some point. And then another point.

Any impressive race tactics at this point, Caite?

“Oh, I see it. It’s right in front of us.” Never mind.

To every viewer’s luck it was a non-elimination round and those beautifully impressive Jordan and Jeff will be with us another week. We will cherish it.

On the 2010 return of  Gossip Girl, right off the Upper East Side bat, we learned that Serena is apparently conveniently besties with Jenny’s drug dealer boy and Chuck is trying to solve a deep, meaningful yet soon-to-be-resolved family mystery.

We’re expected to suddenly forget that it is March, not the first week of January, with this way-previously-filmed episode they’ve proudly handed to us. Hearing about Christmas presents is a little off in the Spring.

Dan Humphrey’s lines seemed forced without Vanessa in the episode at all. He often mistakes Nate for Vanessa. When Nate walks into a room, Dan says, “Oh! I thought you were Vanessa.” How, exactly? It was just a weird segue for him to bond with Nate over the subject of Nate’s ex…which dribbles into the subject of Dan’s ex. Very normal.

Still, as always, the show provides us with the quick, snarky lines we remember it for, like Serena telling Blair, “Anyone who meets you can see you’re an elitest snob perfect for running a secret society.” 

Or, “Why aren’t you dressed?” Blair asks a suit-clad Chuck. How much more “dressed” does she expect him to be? Wearing a silk robe and a crown?

My favorite line was the ironic, “The masquerade ball was two years ago.” Exactly. Thank you. And where have you gotten since then, Nate-and-Serena? Or the whole plotline of this show, for that matter?

Sure, next week the sordid tales of Chuck Bass’ life will continue to unravel but remember that all-important masquerade ball was two years ago, everybody. All good things have an expiration date.

ABC Family’s Greek actually aired the best music this week. Yes, Greek.

Song: Keep it Cool by US Royalty

How did they get their hands on it? I have no idea.

Mimi

Two Tickets to China

On the season premiere of Amazing Race, we were handed two new celebrity couples. “Some-uh people out there don’t have maps,” from Miss America and her long-faced model boyfriend and Jordan and Jeff, the idiots from Big Brother who are confused by time. Just like the Globetrotters!

First Destination: Chile

Contestant’s Translation:

“I think we’re going to Guatemala?”

“China?”

“Danka.” Caite Upton says to a Chilean.

As if that wouldn’t annoy the locals enough, their first team task was painting the outside of a house by matching colors. Easy, right? Pretty hard to screw up, right? Not for father/daughter team Steve and Allie, who started painting the inside of someone’s house.

“Look, I don’t know what they are doing here.” The real Chilean painter said to the camera guy, “This is ugly. They dont know how to paint.”

The detectives took a different approach: painting over grafitti, green over blue! Beautiful!

So our new racers proved that painting was too difficult but I guess painting is even harder than telling time.

Mimi

Tool Equals Not Good

On the premiere of Tool Academy 3, we were introduced to a new batch of tools. The new twist? This season is co-ed.

We have:

Kevin; Double-talkin’ Tool, who is actually married. Yeah!

Courtney; Lady-Lovin’ Tool, and quite honestly the last lesbian any girl would want,

Chasyn; Wrestlin’ Tool, who claims to be 5’2″ but might not even graze 4’11”,

Tommy; Loony Tool, when “loony” translates into “flamboyant.” Sort of like Guyliner Tool,

Jennavecia; Toolette, who seems to only talk about her family’s brothel and her dirty deeds,

Angelo; Ripped Tool, who looks like a Jersey Shore version of Elmer Fudd,

Jacob; Neander-Tool, who is our replacement Power Tool; big, dumb and trying to win Alpha Male status,

Shawn; Surfin’ Tool, who at this point completely fades into the background…Yeah, I’m drawing a total blank on him. But his name’s Shawn! Coincidence?

Jordan; Boyband Tool, who wore a pink leopard-print thong for the fake tournament,

And Daniel; Glow Stick Tool, who gets emotional about his love of glow sticks and is, too, the color of the sun.

The fake title this time was Party Ambassador. Really? Not a one of these tools even knows how to pronounce or spell the word ambassador, let alone claim the title! What about refrigerator or cornucopia or Guatemala? Would they try out for being the next Guatemala if Party came before it?

Immediately, the tools did not like their fellow tool, Chasyn; maybe because he wore a diaper with his name on it. Neander-Tool told him, “I will bang you so hard, boy.” Uh, really?

Then Glow Stick Tool said, “I am white Caliente.” We see that. And, “I play with this stick every day!” Still! Really? They’re not making any correlations here?

Kicking off the walk-out-to-poolgoers-say-a-catch-phrase-and-get-tested-by-the-host competition, Angelo was a definite winner.

“This is the moment you all been waiting for!” He announced. Before tripping and falling in the pool. That didn’t bring down Angelo. “I love it! I love my life!” He screamed. Though, his mood changed when he found out there was no Party Guatemala: “Tool equals not good.”

“I’m married,” Double-talkin’ Tool admitted, “And I’m married to a sista! I might get stabbed!”

Yes, the fun definitely ended in Cancun. As did Real World’s fun. Maybe the tools should have been sent to DC for Party Ambassador tryouts. Things would have peaked at, well, they wouldn’t have peaked at all.

Another fight broke out when Jennavecia positioned herself in the middle of the beds in the tool bedroom and Neander-Tool wasn’t about to have it.

“We will scrap.” She told him.

?

During therapy, with the Credential-lacking Tool Academy Hag, Trina, things got heated as expected.

Lesley recited her tool, Glow Stick’s words back to him, asking, “What do you smell from miles away?” He stared at her funny probably since he doesn’t understand cameras. Even when she told him that they all saw it, he still didn’t get it so she gave up explaining.

Once it was put into words that, yes, Jennavecia had cheated on her sad, weirdly-trusting boyfriend, Kyle, she tried to use it to boost her character. “You like me because I brought craziness to your life.”

When it came time for elimination, it was revealed that, as always, the tools had decorated their jackets. This time with glitter, zebra-print fabric and pink feathers. Are they encouraged to do this now, following in the footsteps of the first class? Is there some tool-friendly arts-and-crafts table set up in the house?

Anyway, Courtney beat Chasyn wrestling so he got upset and left his girl and the academy. And we got to see what a 4’9″ little tool looks like walking away, defeated.

Mimi

She Only Stuck Around for His Sunglasses

Real World DC-

Andrew, in follow-up to your dating lessons that you didn’t pass, here are five signs that your date isn’t going well or the girl doesn’t like you:

“Email me.” <- First sign. She didn’t want to hear your voice or make contact easy.

“Awkward…” <- Second sign. Testing the waters is a fine way of communication, but don’t test the waters by saying “I told them I was in love with you.” Ever, for that matter.

You’re such a dork. <- Third sign. She’s saying it in a way that might seem loving, but it’s only uncomfortable toleration.

Brought her cousin. <- Fourth sign. She needed a distraction/wingwoman. Because of you.

Called telling him to check his e-mail. <- Fifth sign.

Again with the e-mail! This was filmed summer of ’09, right?

Anyway, Alli (like Callie without the ca) dumped Andrew electronically and he was “heartbroken” for about a moment, just as she “broke his heart” when she wouldn’t sleep with him. Turns out he had more luck at the gay sports bar. That trip was all thanks to Josh, Invisible Man.

Meanwhile,

Ashley yelled at Mike-y. Mikey yelled at Ashley. They faked nice. They yelled some more. Mikey said he wouldn’t apologize, then went to talk to Ashley. He apologized. Ashley blubbered. They made up. Episode conflict resolved!

Mimi

First Religion, Now Playboy

Ty kept up personally offending each of his roommates on Real World DC, by telling Callie she wasn’t model weight and literally fighting his sometimes-bed buddy, Emily. The only one he hasn’t gotten to yet would have to be Josh, the invisible one.

So his rude comment ate at Callie, bringing her to back self-image issues her active mom had instilled in her. So she called her mom to make her feel better.

Ashley and Erica were too caught up in Emily and Ty’s fake, dysfunctional  relationship to start anything for themselves. Except dance classes. Party.

And Emily ended this body image-themed episode on an unforgiving note with Ty. Well, until the first ten minutes of next week’s, until it inevitably switches to Andrew’s lack of seduction abilities.

Mimi

It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s a Jerk-Faced Little Kid!

mOnDaY.

GG.

The end scene (I know I’m starting backwards, shut up) accompanied by sounds of a far-off dramatic piano, reiterated just how the tables have turned on Queen B. But Chuck and Vanessa? That will only ever sound like a joke. Maybe he wants a spicy Brooklyn addition to Victrola. Dan and his man-friend Nate have become quite chummy – chili, Scattergories anda sleepover? Too close for comfort, methinks. Serena revolted against the Happy Family for an hour-long teen agnst section where the parent always apologizes even though angsty teen was a total jerk-face (we’ll get to him in a second) and this plot is immediately drained of its usefulness. And what is that? Little Jen is behaving? Not for long. This stinker can only wait so long until throwing another tantrum. After lashing out at Eleanor what will she do next? Make out with N?

OTH.

Lucas and Peyton argued and said cheesy things, Sam acted like a brat, Brooke(mommy)’s romance came a-knocking on her door, Dan Scott mentioned that he was a murderer but the best part was when Haley jumped on the jerk-faced child’s mother. Way to teach ethics!

TH.

Right off the bat, The Hills stole the new iPod song – wow – I’m sure that was so not hard to dig up!

Heidi and Spencer narrated the happenings of “kicking Holly out” straight from the script; good job, you guys! You memorified it like pros. Spencer told his sister she was easy a few times and fake-exercised while the other grannies stared on disapprovingly. 

Over in Cabo, Lauren and Audrina were uncomfortable at Brody’s bachelor-ish party, excuse me, birthdaybut at least they got a sweet Tang-colored tan out of the deal. Audrina asked Lauren if she had noticed “the awkwardness” and Lauren responded by saying “I think the insects in the air have noticed the awkwardness.” Why they decided to call Frankie “the awkwardness” is beyond me. I mean, okay; he’s gross, but drop it.

We finally got a better idea of what Audrina sees in Justin. You will understand their complexity in this one conversation.

Audrina: “Give me my flower.”

Justin: “You will never have this.”

Audrina: “It’s mine!”

Justin: “Oh, waa.”

Hmm. Angelic.

tUeSdAy.

Greek NewsCappie News

The following are questions you didn’t dare (or care enough) to ask yourself on the subject of last night’s episode. Should Cappie feel ashamed/embarrassed over what happened when he woke up after a night of partying? No. Should he feel let down that he didn’t get his 3-way? Still no. Should he want to be stuck in a relationship again since he is becoming lonely? No. Should Casey stay out of Ashleigh’s-Whoa. Hold on. That doesn’t have to do with Cappie. Should Cappie kick Spitter out of Kappa Tau once and for all since he’s such a loser? Of course the answer is YES!

Mimi

Hi Dere!

I’m Mimi. Nix might pop in occasionally but you’ll surely like me better. Justin South is the drummer from the band Augustana, Southie Justin would be Justin Moore from Ingram Hill, who you’ve probably never heard of before now. We’re hilarious. I love Hanson, Gossip Girl, Dan Layus, and Mrs. and Mrs. Smith. We quote stupid movies. If you don’t get it you don’t get it.

Leave us a note to prove you’ve been here. We’d appreciate it.

Mimi