Dear God, Just Thank You

Let’s review some of the last few weeks’ Amazing Race oops moments:

Like when they tried to indentify Joan of Arc.

“Joan of Arc. He carried all the animals, right?” “She.” “She.” “That was Noah.” “Oh.” “It has the animals.” “Joan’s the guy.” “No. Joan’s a girl. Tha name Joan-?”

Or when Dan and Jordan were in search of a “Cathy Drone” when the other teams went to a cathedral. And “rusty boco” meant merci beacoup in Detective language.

“Ciao.” Carol and Brandy say to a Frenchman.

Steve and Allie asked for directions from their painting community. They are loyal to, and most trusting of, painters everywhere. And tend to be loitering outside private residences.

Brent and Caite followed another team to the mat before they had even done their Detour. Okay. That’s a new one. Then Caite couldn’t count fingers. Yeah.

Last night, when Caite and Brent were handling incense, they were most confused by pronunciation, as usual. Brent said incest. Caite said instance. Close enough. Later, Brent wished “God would turn on the air conditioning.” Just like the week before, when Allie said, “God, just thank you.” For this constant pestering, God did not grant Brent’s wish.

There is no point during this show when you’re not wondering how all these people made it on TV. It has become one of life’s greater mysteries.

The only team with redeeming qualities on this season is the cowboys. They beat space and time and jumped from last place to first with the help of their Oklahoman superpowers, giggling the whole time.

Mimi

We are in the Middle of Nowhere

On The Amazing Race (16), we were rewarded with Caite and Jordan teaming up for the Intersection challenge. To the sound of Jordan’s partner, Jeff, somehow encouraging them by cheering, “Smash it!” they were off. You see, Jordan let Caite, “lead the way.” And with the first train that Caite saw, her eyes lighting up, she said, “Let’s get on.” Easy enough! This race was so simple! And they were looking so smart! Yes, it was the wrong train.

Later, when these two stunningly brilliant teammates had to go their seperate ways, Jordan and Jeff picked the plagued taxi driver of their current leg.

“We are in the middle of nowhere.” Jeff noticed, once they had past an Albertanian sitting at a bus stop. Sorry. I saw that oppurtunity and I seized it. (Hanson’s first album is titled Middle of Nowhere.)

Meanwhile, Dan and Jordan were having different issues of their own. “Let’s stop wasting balls and time!” Dan/Jordan told brother Jordan/Dan. I honestly have no idea how to tell them apart.

But are we really done with accidentally funny quotes from Big Brother team Jordan and Jeff, you ask? Of course not.

“When we saw that we had to drink the beer I knew that we would be so good because he likes to drink beer.” Jordan says earnestly. Yes. Many oafy guys like yours like to drink beer.

I have to admit that Jeff really is up there in intelligence with Jordan and Caite. Caite’s partner, Brent (Brett?) is just spacey and lame but Jeff’s redeeming quality is saying things that don’t fit into the context like, “Smash it.” He hit his head at some point. And then another point.

Any impressive race tactics at this point, Caite?

“Oh, I see it. It’s right in front of us.” Never mind.

To every viewer’s luck it was a non-elimination round and those beautifully impressive Jordan and Jeff will be with us another week. We will cherish it.

On the 2010 return of  Gossip Girl, right off the Upper East Side bat, we learned that Serena is apparently conveniently besties with Jenny’s drug dealer boy and Chuck is trying to solve a deep, meaningful yet soon-to-be-resolved family mystery.

We’re expected to suddenly forget that it is March, not the first week of January, with this way-previously-filmed episode they’ve proudly handed to us. Hearing about Christmas presents is a little off in the Spring.

Dan Humphrey’s lines seemed forced without Vanessa in the episode at all. He often mistakes Nate for Vanessa. When Nate walks into a room, Dan says, “Oh! I thought you were Vanessa.” How, exactly? It was just a weird segue for him to bond with Nate over the subject of Nate’s ex…which dribbles into the subject of Dan’s ex. Very normal.

Still, as always, the show provides us with the quick, snarky lines we remember it for, like Serena telling Blair, “Anyone who meets you can see you’re an elitest snob perfect for running a secret society.” 

Or, “Why aren’t you dressed?” Blair asks a suit-clad Chuck. How much more “dressed” does she expect him to be? Wearing a silk robe and a crown?

My favorite line was the ironic, “The masquerade ball was two years ago.” Exactly. Thank you. And where have you gotten since then, Nate-and-Serena? Or the whole plotline of this show, for that matter?

Sure, next week the sordid tales of Chuck Bass’ life will continue to unravel but remember that all-important masquerade ball was two years ago, everybody. All good things have an expiration date.

ABC Family’s Greek actually aired the best music this week. Yes, Greek.

Song: Keep it Cool by US Royalty

How did they get their hands on it? I have no idea.

Mimi

IVs and Such As

On this week’s Tool Academy, the therapy session kicked off with the tools drawing themselves and their girlfriends also drawing them. Neander Tool’s girl drew him on fire, Angelo drew himself as an ape and Kyle drew…smog. Yeah, he didn’t get the purpose of the task. Then Neander Tool just said what Trina wanted to hear but she wasn’t having it; “Wrong answer.”

Next, the tools and their girls were led into a room with chairs all facing a TV. Kevin said, “Anytime you see a TV, it’s time to take a mental beating.”

But they received more than just a mental beating. Unable to handle criticism, Tommy ran away, Glow Stick Tool screamed at his girl and Kyle and Neander Tool got into it again, all at once. The resident Hugger jumped in and, at last, Trina intervened, saying, “This is your therapist here.”

When Tommy didn’t return right away, Kate was wondering, “Wow. Should I go home right now?”

Then, while Lesley was still out of the room, Glow Stick said how he couldn’t turn a ho into a housewife. He didn’t want her to punch him again so she didn’t get to hear that jab.

Later, Trina still felt the need to bother the tools, like they were all suddenly homies. “Hey, guys,” She chirped, walking into their bedroom, “I’m going to hang with you.”

After the recurring little pep talks, Angelo made the revelation, “I see myself bettering myself.” That was almost just what his therapist wanted to hear.

Needless to say, deadbeat Glow Stick Tool was kicked off and then informed his baby mama that he was not in love with her. Things you’ll only see on Tool Academy.

The Amazing Race 19-

On Amazing Race, Caite and Brent, the models, weren’t feeling very well. Go figure. So they went to the emergency room. But then they were fine. Go figure.

As Brent said, “We were on IVs and such for a few hours.” And such? Really? I wonder where he got that.

Then Jeff got a little too into five card stud, saying things like, “Let’s dance.” And, “I’m bustin’ up this joint.” He was actually doing nothing; not, as it would seem, dancing.

At the next challenge, Brent roped his bull on his second try but then couldn’t open the clue. Yes, that’s excellent coordination.

Meanwhile, Jeff finally exclaimed of he and his teammate/pet, “We’re so stupid! We definitely shouldn’t reproduce!” 

Agreed.

Mimi

Another Somewhere Else

Amazing Race 19-

The simplest clue directions confuse this season’s racers. For example, take a bus.

Jordan says, “Bus. Bus. We can take a bus? Bus?”

Brent had different fears altogether. “I could go to another somewhere else?” Yes, Brent. This is a reality game show about traveling.

“Oh, my gravy.” Cowboy #2 remarks.

Then Jordan assured brother Dan that they were going the right way (“I feel confident that it’s still down here.”) He was confident right up until they met the water’s edge.

As if this confusion wasn’t simple enough behavior, this season’s 2 developmentally-challenged teams decided to work together.

They show off their skills, like when Jordan is enlightening Jeff, “San Jose. H-O-S-E.”

He fires back, “How many is in a Baker’s Dozen?” Jeff knows Jordan is number/time-challenged.

“Jay-eff.” She sighs, like ‘I dunno how much’s in a regular dozen, Jay-eff.’

“Oh, my gravy.”

Brent finally compares himself and Caite to the cowboys. “I’ll tell you what- the cowboys are just the most magical people ever.”

After a whole new bunch of dumb mistakes, Caite Upton says, “I hope people are seein’ I am an intelligant parson. So stop makin’ phone of me.”

Grandma Jody, on the other hand, went sightseeing while the other racers did tasks. Then when she almost had a special moment with a cow, it kicked her in the face. Grandma Jody and her favorite grandchild were eliminated.

“Oh, my gravy.”

Mimi