I Love The Boys!

This week on The Hills,

To the sounds of new OneRepublic and old AAR, Kristin finally broke it off with Justin (we think.) Like most people, pants don’t agree with Kristin, but that’s okay, she doesn’t miss them. In one scene she announced “I love the boys!” and in the next, homewrecker-turned-cohort Stacie was telling her to “take it easy” on a banana.

In a way, Audrina broke up the happy couple…but can she really be held responsible when she’s baffled by putting her car in reverse?

Kristin didn’t fit Justin’s pace of life anyway. He asked her “Can you just mellow out? Take a nap-? Cruise-?” You’re probably thinking ‘wow. that tool sounds like a greaser.’ Good thing he had the threads to go along with it.

Justin Bobby played dress up as a greaser and a detective! Yay! The crazy outfits are back! Can we make requests? My vote is for chinos, cowboy boots and mittens.

On Greek,

Cappie and Casey are finally back together after an entire season filled with discussion about the end of the world party. And what better way to celebrate than setting another sorority’s house on fire? OK, Evan Lame-bers didn’t seem too happy for them when he set up the KTs and got 3 of Cappie’s best expelled from the school they never attend. Ashley wasn’t totally excited, either, but that’s probably because she remembered she was dating the girls’ manny. All the odds could be going against them right now but it’s Cappie and Casey and now they’re sharing more than a “Night, Cap.”

People losing competitions:

On The Amazing Race 15, when Maria and Tiffany had to pick their Detour challenge, they were comfortable in their decision. They thought they would be equally good at both dancing and playing golf, but they chose dancing. Unfortunately, they needed upper body strength to get through the door so, after many attempts, they switched tasks. They biked all the way back to the swamp they had to swip through. But golf was hard, too, and they were about fifteen hits over par. They biked back to the first task, dancing, but were still too weak. They returned to golfing (via bike, strip, swim) but now it was windy! After “hugging it out” many times, they gave up and Phil came to find them. In this situation, that wasn’t even the most embrassing part.

On Project Runway, Christopher played his worn woe-is-me card to try to win the judges’ pity. But this didn’t make them suddenly forget his horrible design, which he admitted described him as a designer, and for once in the challenge, his tears didn’t work. If Gordana knew this tactic wouldn’t work maybe she wouldn’t bring her coming-to-America story into things. Then again, Heidi was just wondering how the Grey Dress Woman stuck it out so long.

Mimi

Help Her Get Rid of the Body

One Tree Hill-

“Get a shovel and help her get rid of (Alex’s) body,” has been Brooke’s attitude for a while now. The fact that Julian and Alex were able to kiss and make up and focus on Alex’s “script” isn’t helping things. Meanwhile, Millie just wants to be Alex and has no idea that Mouth has been fired because being a fake model is more important. Haley got arrested, Nate has been useless and Jamie: super-introverted and emotional. Somehow we’re still dwelling on Quinn and David and how she is sexually-inactive sleepover buddies with Clay…Excuse me, but where did the writers go? Did they leave with Lucas, Peyton and baby? Did they quit shortly after Nanny Carrie and Q got shot? Soon we’re going to care about Skills and Tina which is even worse than Kate Voegele and that guy LC dated!

Gossip Girl-

Who knew the Van der Woodsen-Humphrey kids could be so Brady-like? Meddle for their parents’ sake much? And what could make their force stronger than inviting ol’ Peter Brady into the gang? Gaining a Jan. But beisdes that, nothing!

Georgina. Winning, losing, violating Dan Humphrey…Serena. Playing stupid and falling for the same guys over and over…Bree. Blandly betraying and getting found out…Vanessa. Not being liked by two guys at once. Jenny. Wait. Is Jenny still on the show?

The girls never cease to amaze us with their mediocrity! Maybe if they were doing shady things like the guys; making deals, having sloppy affairs, 2-minute flings, being secretive and talking in hushed voices; maybe then it would all be worthwhile. Prepare yourselves for Blair Waldorf, jewelry thief.

Greek-

So Cappie and Evan and Casey are friends…but only in secret, which means basically never, and Cappie and Casey still won’t be together? OK. Just checking. Rusty and Jordan had broken up but Rusty realized he has no game and other girls don’t want to date him so he tried to get her back with a roomful of people hanging on his every pathetic word. Dale is once again “in a relationship with God”, Casey is openly jealous of Cappie’s girl, Ashley and Fisher have nothing in common, and Beaver is always ready to defend a bro. Sounds about right. 

The Hills-

K-Cav has never hit it off with another girl before as well as she is with Skanktender Stacie! What a relief!

Jayde, Brody’s girlfriend, throws Brody a birthday party (c’mon, doesn’t the guy have a birthday every 3 months or so now?). K-Cav announces she’ll have an after-party at her house. Brody says he’ll go. Jayde is thinking “huh?”, gets mad, walks away. Brody shouts “We don’t care. Leave. We don’t care.” He is such a winner – I still can’t believe it didn’t work out between him and Kristin.

And hold up a minute! Stupid-ass Pratt is able to hang out with K-Cav and Skanktender now? Since when? Remember “do you own pants?” and “you need to respect Audrina” (rebuttal) “this is how it’s gonna be?” How much extra are they being paid to tolerate each other, seriously?

“Love is the kind of thing that ends a relationship,” is the dumbest thing Brody has said since not recognizing Jimmy Carter. Why are we celebrating this moron’s 3-month birthday???

Off in Heidi & Spencer land, Spencer is trying to play lose-golf with his brilliant friend, Charlie, when End-Zone shows up right on cue. Spencer asks him “how did you get in?” Enzo, as rehearsed, says “0-3-1-0,” grinning devilishly and fingering the rolled up dollar bills in his chinos’ pocket.

But Spencer redeems himself when he takes Heidi to a ‘fancy dinner’ dressed like a cowboy extra. Heidi asks him to take the hat off but Spencer is wiser than that, remarking, “Only a true man can wear a beaver-skin hat to dinner.” Audrina could learn a thing or two from these words of wisdom!

Mimi

I’m a Ninja

So…What was Cappie gonna do at the end of the world? Well, he was going to sweep Casey off her feet but a drunken Evan Chambers got in the way. The same Evan Chambers who dated Frannie, so he can’t have the best judgement. The Evan Chambers who is mooching off his still-rich girl, Rebecca = morally messed-up.  And, oh yeah, don’t take advice from EVAN CHAMBERS!

Mopey Casey’s sisters tried to console her with the Sister Cat but it doesn’t really have a consoling effect on people. So she kept pouting over her “rejection” from Cappie for the rest of the day.

But not as mch as Rusty pouted over Max‘s departure -Let’s take a moment to *whoo-hoo!*, please. Whoo-hoo!- Rusty, aren’t you dating Uncle Jordan? Don’t cheat on your uncle.

Then Cappie helped Rusty and Casey and collected trash for the sake of Rusty’s C. How could anyone still be mad at Cappie? He was misguided but he didn’t intend to hurt them and then he took the fall for his little brother!

Meanwhile, Ashley was more interested in Rebecca’s relationship than her own when Rebecca had actualy kissed Fisher the night before, not Evan. Because Evan was too drunk. So, like most situations, it was really Evan’s fault! Go anyone-who-isn’t-Evan!

Dale felt guilty after sleeping with his cougar so he proposed to her…With his class ring. She claimed to be busy with her cat.

And, big post-summer conclusion: Cappie and Casey still aren’t together. Was that really the best you could do, writers-of-Greek? Apparently so. This just goes to prove why your show isn’t on a better network.

Mimi

Greek is the Language of…ABC Family Actually Having Viewers

Gossip Girl-

Well Chuck and Vanessa were basically the last ones holding out against each other; keyword were. 

Gossip Girl Love-Web: Nate’s been with Blair, Serena, Vanessa and Jenny. Chuck’s been with Blair, Jenny and now Vanessa. Dan’s been with Serena (Georgina) and Vanessa. Carter’s been with Blair and Serena. Noticing a pattern? Those sleazy, loose Upper East-Siders! If there were more than 10 people they wouldn’t have to deal with sloppy seconds so much.

OTH-

Show: OTH

Song: Where Love Went Wrong

Band: Augustana

This made my night!!! One Tree Hill is one of the only CW shows with decent music and now there are only 5 episodes left? Thanks. 

Greek News  Cappie News

Cappie, I mean, Greek is back in a flurry of Casey’s undecidedness, Rusty’s constant relocations, what seems like Rebecca’s betrayal and *ugh!* I’m sick of that Max guy. Cappie spending his whole summer watching Full House in its entirety and episodes of Jon and Kate + 8 just adds to his perfection. Jesse McCartney -yes, Rita, you were right- plays a character undecided between the competing fraternities but will in the end, undoubtedly choose Kappa Tau. And it seems the only women attracted to Dale are cougars. Huh.

Mimi  

I’m Sock! Open the Door!

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon aired Monday, with fun new segments like Lick it For Ten and Slow-Jam the News. There was also the hilarious clip from “Space Train” a made-up Star Wars-esque movie with Jimmy and Robert de Niro, resembling the works of Craig Ferguson and reminding us that Lorne Michaels will always own Jimmy Fallon.

Reaper‘s second season aired yesterday on the CW. Now, Reaper is possibly one of the most entertaining and unnoticed shows out there. It has some great personalities, fresh lines, not the greatest graphics, not the greatest plot, and not a huge budget… Still, it’s back for it’s second season so I guess that means it wasn’t cancelled! It begins with Sam, Sock, and Ben returning from a 2-mo.-long road trip to find they’ve been fired, evicted, and Sock has a step-sister. They all notice how hot she is but Sock told Ben “Shut your mouth. That’s my sister. I got dibs.”

I don’t imagine the show will become any more credited or noticed but at least it’s back. A TV world with Cappie and Sock is definitely one I could get used to…the ball’s in your court, Greek.

Mimi

You Kidnapped a 5-year-old child, adolescent Nanny Carrie

Music.

First off, like I sayed, Black Kids is officially the new craze! Partie Traumatic featured on Gossip Girl, INGTYBHTDWY on The Hills and Hurricane Jane on 90210. Too bad I’ve been inot them for months and therefore everyone (notice I didn’t say everybody?) else loses. Then again it’s hard to be as much of a music junkie as I am. 90210 also featured EBE but that is not enough to make the show “cool” or interesting.

Gossip Girl

Nate and Jenny  will be so cute for their 3 or so episodes of coupledom! If you don’t think about the 8-ish year difference between the actors…What’s stopping Dan and Vanessa from finally tying the serious relationship knot? Serena has obviously moved on in a heartbeat. As for Chuck and Blair? Those two are permanently bad news.

One Tree Hill

The entire cast showed up for Nathan’s slam-ball game except for Grandma+Skills and Grampa Dan. Where could they possibly have been that was more important than Nathan’s slam-ball game???

On the subject of Lucas’s maybe-movie production Brooke remarked that she wanted Natalie Portman to play her but Lucas pointed out that it takes place in HS. “Does this mean you’re getting some snot from the CW? Eh. At least they’re hot.” Don’t pat yourself on the back too much, Sophia. Later in the show she asked Nathan “Since when do you have Owen’s back?” “Since he’s standing right next to me.”

This is what will happen on the next episode: Hailey gets really mad at Sam for stealing Jamie and being a bad influence, possibly with an angry white-girl threat thrown in; Peyton tells Luke not to make his movie and he’s hurt by it since she made up a different excuse than the truth; Owen and Millie help Brooke brainstorm on the 2nd Mrs. Scott wedding gown.

One last thing. You sick show! Stop making Jamie visit Q’s gravesite!

The Hills

The bar scene went something like this:

Cameron: “I’m gonna take Brody outside and have a word with him about you.”

*Stephanie smiles*

*Brody shows up, draping himself on Lauren, no less*

S. (Simpleton) Pratt: “Weren’t you gonna talk to Brody?”

Brody: “Why isn’t homie talking to me?”

Far-off Spencer voice: “He didn’t talk to Brody?”

Cameron: “Uh. Brody big. You not worth it.”

*Simpleton cries*

S. Pratt: “You don’t even speak in full sentences!”

Meanwhile, Justin reassured Audrina so she would stay with him and dump Cory.

JB: “I’ll maybe be there for you like 7% of the time I guess, ya know?”

Audrina: “Well, OK. You’re such a charmer.”

*The colorful Pac-Man people chomp all the fruit out of Audrina’s empty mind*

Greek News Cappie News

This is the last week of Cappie News, since the show has been canned indefinitely.

The Good and Bad Qualities of Cappie:

Good- Says adorable things to get his way or get out of trouble.

Bad- Makes pledges “Bob for hairballs.”

Good- Gives you advice as your “friend” when you ask for it.

Bad- Said advice is leaving your boyfriend.

Good- Cappie is hot.

Bad- Cappie is not so bright.

ANTM.

Sheena was sent home this week on ANTM for being, well, Sheena. Elena was spared because she provides all the dramatic, evil cattiness for the rest of the season, which is hard to come by with twelve-year-old peacekeeper Analeigh there. Sam had been on the same page with her in the beginning of the episode but was “100 pages away” by the end. Maybe if she joined their giggly bathtub party she would be accepted. The Tyra decided to make a big fuzz over Sam’s outift, tugging here and there and making her look like an exotic dancer who had just been chased by a pack of wolves but mainly ’cause she wanted to frisk her. And Marjorie did awkward, nervous, meek, muttery, hunched-over things as usual.

Mimi

It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s a Jerk-Faced Little Kid!

mOnDaY.

GG.

The end scene (I know I’m starting backwards, shut up) accompanied by sounds of a far-off dramatic piano, reiterated just how the tables have turned on Queen B. But Chuck and Vanessa? That will only ever sound like a joke. Maybe he wants a spicy Brooklyn addition to Victrola. Dan and his man-friend Nate have become quite chummy – chili, Scattergories anda sleepover? Too close for comfort, methinks. Serena revolted against the Happy Family for an hour-long teen agnst section where the parent always apologizes even though angsty teen was a total jerk-face (we’ll get to him in a second) and this plot is immediately drained of its usefulness. And what is that? Little Jen is behaving? Not for long. This stinker can only wait so long until throwing another tantrum. After lashing out at Eleanor what will she do next? Make out with N?

OTH.

Lucas and Peyton argued and said cheesy things, Sam acted like a brat, Brooke(mommy)’s romance came a-knocking on her door, Dan Scott mentioned that he was a murderer but the best part was when Haley jumped on the jerk-faced child’s mother. Way to teach ethics!

TH.

Right off the bat, The Hills stole the new iPod song – wow – I’m sure that was so not hard to dig up!

Heidi and Spencer narrated the happenings of “kicking Holly out” straight from the script; good job, you guys! You memorified it like pros. Spencer told his sister she was easy a few times and fake-exercised while the other grannies stared on disapprovingly. 

Over in Cabo, Lauren and Audrina were uncomfortable at Brody’s bachelor-ish party, excuse me, birthdaybut at least they got a sweet Tang-colored tan out of the deal. Audrina asked Lauren if she had noticed “the awkwardness” and Lauren responded by saying “I think the insects in the air have noticed the awkwardness.” Why they decided to call Frankie “the awkwardness” is beyond me. I mean, okay; he’s gross, but drop it.

We finally got a better idea of what Audrina sees in Justin. You will understand their complexity in this one conversation.

Audrina: “Give me my flower.”

Justin: “You will never have this.”

Audrina: “It’s mine!”

Justin: “Oh, waa.”

Hmm. Angelic.

tUeSdAy.

Greek NewsCappie News

The following are questions you didn’t dare (or care enough) to ask yourself on the subject of last night’s episode. Should Cappie feel ashamed/embarrassed over what happened when he woke up after a night of partying? No. Should he feel let down that he didn’t get his 3-way? Still no. Should he want to be stuck in a relationship again since he is becoming lonely? No. Should Casey stay out of Ashleigh’s-Whoa. Hold on. That doesn’t have to do with Cappie. Should Cappie kick Spitter out of Kappa Tau once and for all since he’s such a loser? Of course the answer is YES!

Mimi

The Wicked Witch is Dead!

GG: J has become quite the little good girl/bad girl to top all good girl/bad girls. She was causing such a stir that Rufus didn’t even have to know that D was in the slammer. And how many of B’s plans can go wrong, exactly? If her powers work ending in an opposite reaction, maybe she should pass them on to our current government. C also made up the funny line of “My mother died in a plane crash in the Andes when I was six.” which seems rather obscure and very creative for being made-up on the fly, but you never know what he’ll say next.

OTH: Why? Why would Hailey show up to the creepy set-house in the woods to see Grandpa Dan and his “hospice nurse” without a weapon? Why?! I guess ’cause she isn’t watching all the scenes. She should really be more committed to the show.

The Wicked Witch is (finally) Dead! If she doesn’t go down with the first wine bottle blow to the head just shoot her in the heart a couple times. *Bang!* Don’t ever dare your killer to kill you; things don’t end well. Man, this was the best episode all season!

TH: New Funny Lines

Heidi’s mom: Spencer, you’re rude, condescending and hostile.

Spencer: Ha! Like no.

Brody: Somebody’s got a lotta nerve to show her face around here.

Stephanie Pratt: I don’t even have anything to say.

Brody: Nothing?

SP: You’re really mean. To me.

And then Whitney said…Wait. That’s right. Whitney is a lifeless post.

Greek News Cappie News

A few things to know before getting to know Cappie:

Has the tendency to write “Buttmunch” on people.

Has slept with every girl in a 10-mile radius (see week 3)

Enjoys frequent drunken man-cuddles

Is somewhat full of himself and will put down any dude who is not him, especially if said dude is dating the one and only Casey Cartwright

Mimi

All These Years We’ve Been Calling Him Skills And I Thought It Had Something To Do With Basketball.

The Usual Lineup…

Gossip Girl: Nate and Blair were both humiliated, though B was more dramatic as always, when they saw evidence that The Duchess Catherine and Lord Marcus seemed to enjoy each others’ “company” more than their current suitors. Cutting the Nacho Supremo Grande Chancellor out of the equation altogether, are we? Then when Blair had almost cleared everything up and got Nate off the hook Vanessa had to go meddle and ruin the situation by telling said Chancellor. Serena and Dan briefly tried being friendly but since that didn’t work, why not be hostile enemies? Sounds fun. Jenny was lame and outcasted but nothing that monumental happened, Rufus and Lily’s pathetic fake-love is back in the picture but suddenly Rufus is considered a prize. Much like his son, huh?

One Tree Hill: This episode was basically finishing mourning Quentin Fields (his full name was mentioned about a dozen times in case you forgot), Hailey finding Grandpa Dan was missing, Brooke offering her store to her mother, ahem, Victoria on a platter, Lucas getting on Nathan’s nerves about Skills and his mom, Peyton reminding the viewers she was still engaged, and Psycho Ex-nanny breaking into Jamie’s bedroom. Next week doesn’t look too good for him, either…

The Hills: If you hadn’t guessed, this episode was about Lauren being gone for 20 minutes of the half hour in Rome and Stephanie going on a date with Doug since Audrina and Lo had a very long, totally productive conversation over bony-girl lunch.

Audrina: Um, Stephanie came over this morning talking about going on a date. With Doug.

Lo: Stephanie’s going on a date with Doug?

Audrina: I don’t know.

Lo: Stephanie’s going on a date with Doug?

Audrina: I guess so.

Lo: Stephanie’s going on a date with Doug?

Audrina: I’m not sure of the details.

Lo: Stephanie’s going on a date with Doug?

*Audrina frowns at Lo, who is suddenly deaf and stupider than Simpleton Pratt (and that’s saying something!)*

Then Heidi invited Audrina and Justin to double-date with her and Spencer, Audrina pondered the invitation to stretch out the show before going and recounting the events to Lauren upon her arrival…Chick, didn’t you leave, like eight minutes ago? Brody told Lauren “I told you so.” and tried to console her ‘as her a friend.’ I bet next week’s dialogue will go something like this:

Lauren: Stephanie, you went on a date with Doug?

Stephanie: I don’t know.

Lauren: You went on a date with Doug?

Stephanie: I’m not sure of the details yet.

They need new writers something awful! I guess I’ll be available in a few weeks.

Privileged: The twins still don’t like you, Megan, and they’re not about to start if this is going to stretch out into an entire full-length TV series. So stop trying to win them over, ignore your sister for good, and let your dating life run rampant over the remainder of your hobbies. Word.

ANTM: After my fave, Samantha, was repeatedly slapped on the wrist and insulted a little more, Isis went home this week. No comment.

Seperately-

Greek News Cappie News

(week 3)

Rules and Perks of Being Cappie:

1. Abide by Cappie’s wishes at all times.

2. Cappie always wins.

3. Don’t try to outsmart Cappie. He’s not that smart. But somehow he will still win so don’t get your hopes up, Rusty.

4. Don’t feel too bad about having slept with Cappie; Casey, Frannie and Rebecca. Nearly every girl in a ten-mile radius has. Even the pledges. Yup. Nobody is above the Capster.

5. Even when you think Cappie is your closest friend, he’s still Cappie, he’s still in charge, and he still has bigger, better pranks and tests in mind for you. Rusty.

Mimi