Megan Wants Attention

On the premiere of the complete sucker-show Megan Wants a Millionaire, Megan Hauserman was ready to show us, once again, what an awful person she is. The whole point of this Vh1 disaster is “Megan is shallow and will marry any equally-talentless hack as long as he can afford her.” Add a pointless narrator, faux-fancy music and…Cici and Brandi and it’s right up there with New York and Kendra.

First, Megan met her suitors; a 2.5 mil plumber, 10 mil trust fund baby (who had to potty), a guy named Audi with a deformed double-forehead, and a 175-year-old man-geezer. Didn’t know there were so many bottom-of-the-barrel millionaires out there, huh? Yeah, that’s because they’re probably actors and it’s probably a total sham.

James was a very bad kisser, The Punisher had unsightly “birthmarks,” dorky trust fund baby repeated that he really did have to potty before and Al barked at Megan who, naturally, dumped her entire flute of champagne in her eyes.

It was an uninteresting, unsurprising elimination when she got rid of the Buffy/*NSYNC/Lady Gaga-quoting 225-year-old man, Baby Bad Kisser and Big-foreheaded, bad conversationalist Audi. Even though she wanted to mooch off of his supposed capability of making her a movie star, Megan was not willing to date someone who could be her great-grandfather.

Over on Dating in the Dark, this time all three women felt connections with the same guy. This forced the other two men not to choose any of them for a reveal. All three women? That’s a great situation! You are one lucky dude!

Unfortunately, they all thought he looked too young and they all left. Well, next time dude. You’ll definitely get a chance like that again.

On Kendra, just when you thought this show couldn’t get any worse, it can! Let’s add simple graphics and put thought bubbles over their heads! We don’t just have to watch the (hour-long) disaster of their (hour-long) wedding and endure the bachelorette party but it still needed to be (an hour long!)dumbed-down an extra notch!

Lastly, on Real World, Bronne, Joey and Jasmine brought their hookups back to the house. Jasmine’s didn’t exactly work out. She got the signal when, instead of kissing her, Pat pillowed her face.

Then Bronne formally passed his (Playboy model – that makes 3 in this post) hookup to Joey but Emilee stepped in and stole her with the last words of “she likes me better.”

By the time Derek was bringing his hookup home to meet the girls, Jasmine was going a little insane. Pat’s excuse: We haven’t had a heart-to-heart yet. 

Mimi

Tumbleweaves, Aliens, and a UFO-jet

Kendra-

This week, Hank endured Kendra in road trip-mode. Sorry Hank. She was excited by just about everything around them, foreign or not. “Those big balls…those uh…big balls…what are they called? Tumbleweaves?” and “Look! Jets! a UFO-jet!” were some of her best observations.

Oh, and occasionally she’ll start sentences with “I was just sitting there smoking a cigar…” Kendra was just sitting there smoking a cigar? Bet the ash gets stuck in her always-amusing food-catcher boobs, too.

On second thought (nope, actually Kendra requires no thought), it doesn’t take much to amuse Hank or herself; cricket cricket. Hank found spitting toothpaste into the same bottle as Kendra was especially romantic. Just wait until he sees her when she’s not trying to be refined.

They visited the official-sounding-but-maybe-not-quite-official Roswell Alien museum and this was Kendra’s special take on alien existence.

Kendra’s featured quote of the week: Oh, I, I, I totally believe that. I totally believe that there’s. Other life out there. It’s one hunder per-I. There is, y’know?

Ah! Gems of wisdom just fall from Kendra’s mouth.

While Kendra was away, Amber got nervous being home alone and unimportant friend, Brittany, took her to a shooting range. Unfortunately, Brittany got stuck in Amber’s killer boobs and suffocated. Amber learned that she had mad fire-arm skillz, taking them home with her. Minus an actual gun, of course. She felt much safer.

Nearing the end of the trip, Kendra had fun playing on a slide at Bedrock, “Wheeeeee!!! Ow!” Well, mostly. And then she mistook a small rock for the Grand Canyon. Eeehehehehe!

How can a reality show be based on such a poster girl for normality?

Mimi

It’s the End of the World, Cappie

On the season finale of Greek, it was the KT’s End of the World party, where Casey made the moves on Cappie, Dale’s woman made the moves on him while he made the moves on Calvin and Calvin finally made the moves on his roommate. That’s a lot of the same moves.

Cappie turned down Casey and she promptly broke up with Max. Ashley made Frannie realize how pathetic she’s always been and then Frannie basically said she was leaving the show. The direct results from these parts were very win-win.

Casey pouted and Cappie drank on the roof, alone, until Ashley sat down next to him and said, over the noise of the party, “It’s the end of the world, Cappie. What are you gonna do?”

Then it ended!!! What did he do?! It’s about time Cappie & Casey were together again or else this whole past season was a complete waste!

Over on Kendra…

(*sigh* No, it hasn’t been cancelled yet.)

The episode started off with Kendra doing an ad or something for Dave and Buster’s; she was distracted by the noises and colors and made the lispy comment of “Forget clotheth! I wanna play video gameth!” She left the shoot in her lingerie, horrifying the prudish assistants and gradually fading into the Go, Kendra! theme song.

The next random thing Kendra did was play basketball with Hank at a charity event, where she was ready to “basket him!” ? He got his football number on his jersey and Kendra, suitably enough, didn’t get a number. Then she talked smack about how great she was at every single sport and “was so unbarassed b’cause I couldn’t make one shot during practice.” Go figure, Kendra! Her teammates hated her and Hank’s team won anyway. Yeah, you really showed him. Mwahahaha!

Filling up the rest of the half hour time slot, Kendra met Hank’s parents out in the countryside of NM. She obsessed about the cows and finally, much to the cow’s apparent dismay, got to milk one.

Kendra’s featured quote of the week: I always thought if you milked a cow long enough other stuff would come out. I was wrong. It’s only milk.

That’s what the Girls Next Door viewers thought of you, Kendra! What a coincidence!

Mimi