Dude, That Was My Apple

Tool Academy, week 4-

What does Maturity mean to the tools?

Shawn, Loud Mouth Tool says, “Well, I run around farting a lot. And I laugh at it…So I guess that’s immature.”

Josh, Tiny Tool says (and I quote), “I define maturity as…I can’t marry a bowling ball but I can marry my fiancee.”

Krista was trying to get Tommy, Stupid Tool, to settle on a career. He wavered between working on SportsCenter, being a marine biologist, and working on SportsCenter. He told Krista “I don’t have to be a brain scientist.”

During the interview before the “caveman” competition, Josh showed that he doesn’t know cavemen/Tarzan(?) don’t exist in the modern world and that they say “oog”, pound their chests, and hold clubs. He didn’t understand the teamwork aspect at all. This is the same guy who wanted a door off a car as his five-year plan.

Matsuflex expressed his love for filling buckets…Or maybe it was something else… “Matsuflex is thirsty and when Matsuflex is thirsty he’s gonna fill up his bucket!” Celebrity, too!!!

Shawn showed off his “Kung Fu Hero” tattoo; flashing everyone, and thought it was really cool.

So…Stupid Tool, Naked Tool, and Loud Mouth Tool decide Margo and M.E.G.A. are faking their relationship for the prize money and M.E.G.A. goes to the loud metal room to confront them about it.

Hey can somebody turn off those 20+ dishwashers? I don’t think they can hear me over all the noise. Thanks.

Matsu was drunk by this point and thought he was tough so he threw an apple (Tommy’s apple, dude. Sorry, dude.), a can of beer, either a smoothie or a cream-filled doughnut (someone was having fun with the sound effects) and screamed “Aaaaaaaahh!” a lot. Boo. Scary.

The tools went to Glee Club. Power Tool said “I don’t wear baby blue.” and Loud Mouth thought he was the best at singing Four Score and Three Tools Ago.

M.E.G.A. was eliminated because of Margo. Why, you ask?

On their picnic, after winning the Caveman comp., he told Margo that he loved her and was happy she was in his life, etc.; very personal, open things. She laughed at him every time. Now, of all the tools, MEGA was the least toolish, the most mature, and he’sthe one stuck with the manipulative girlfriend? Basically, he stood up for Margo and cared about her 1,000 times more than she cared about him. I personally hope MEGA sees the light and finds someone with a little more compassion. I guess that’s it for the “MEGA’s view” section…

Once MEGA and Margo got in the limo to go home, Jenna said “Maybe Margo should’ve been with the tools and MEGA should have been with us girls.” If only they weren’t paying all their attention to Stupid Tool’s mad basketball skillz and Loud Mouth’s Kung Fu Hero.

Mimi

I Sell More Cookies Than Your Mom!

This week on Tool Academy, the Tools learned how to humiliate themselves. Tommy, Slacker Tool Stupid Tool, didn’t think the Humility therapy session was very funny. The other tools were, like, crying and stuff. So when it was his turn he made up something on the spot along the same lines as they did. His girlfriend, Krista (of the open-mouthed scowl) said “He’s finally, like, thinking about things. And that’s awesome for him.”

Josh, Tiny Tool, after confessing to calling his girlfriend fat, gave her his bowling trophy. ?????

Celebrity decides he likes being Party Tool and he doesn’t want to change. He openly disses the show to the fancy brit.

M.E.G.A.’s view: “Celebrity’s playing the ping-pong game. He denounces Celebrity, then he’s s’posed to be Clarence and he goes back to being Celebrity! The point of Academy is to change, dawg!”

Next, the tools have to dress up stupid and sell cookies.

Stupid Tool’s tactic: “Would you like to buy a cookie? It’s for my girlfriend.” His response: “I’m full.” Celebrity is, too!

Power Tool’s tactic: letting people punch and kick him for $1. This goes over pretty well.

Loud Mouth Tool’s tactic: find the tour buses and offer to pose for pictures with people (in exchange for money and the trade of a cookie.)

Who won? Loud Mouth Tool! Yay for weird tourists!

What do you have to say for yourself, Loud Mouth? “I sell more cookies than your mom!” Um, good. You’re not supposed to sell people’s moms. Especially not M.E.G.A.’s mom. MEGA takes this too personally and retaliates by talking bad about Shawn’s girl.

Celebrity asks the question on everyone else’s mind: “Jaimee or Aida?!”

So…Loud Mouth wins the “fairy-tale” date and snuggles up to Aida, who tells him “I don’t remember any sex scenes in Cinderella.” in her trashy-Euro-Czech-LA(?) voice.

Celebrity is kicked out of the Tool Academy for going back to his old ways (see MEGA’s view) and his girlfriend, Cameron, tells him to shut up before he pleas his case and tells him she’s leaving without him. He nods, thankful that at least she’s not laying into him like she did to that punching bag.

Margo, MEGA’s woman, was right when she said that Celebrity was 100% Baffoonery…Whatever that means.

In X Games News…

Gretchen Bleiler died a little, Levi Lavallee (on Mimi’s blog it’s pronounced La-valley) didn’t stand up to Travis’ name, the man-faced club of female snowboarders ran to aide their President Man-Face after she ruined her run with a faceplant, and some guys with no legs were totally awesome!!!

Mimi

I’m Gonna Pick up this Chair and Throw it

Tool Academy-

On the pilot of Tool Academy, 9 tools were secretly set up by their girlfriends and entered in a “Mr. Awesome” competition, testing them around other women, since many were suspicious of said tools cheating. The tools proved them very right, the host appeared, the girls came out of a back room where they had been watching the whole thing on camera, and they were entered into the Tool Academy. Yet another nose-in-the-air fake-British lady has all the power and tests them on their improvement to becoming better people (for $100,000 a’course), they’ll participate in challenges of communication with their girlfriends and learn to stop treating them like meaningless objects.

The Tools:
1. M.E.G.A. <fake name
Playa Pimpin’ Tool <fake title <very different>
2. Matsuflex
Naked Tool
3. Shawn
Loud Mouth Tool
4. Celebrity
Party Tool
5. Tommy
Slacker Tool
6. Dimitri
Greek Tool
7. Joey
Cold-Hearted Tool
8. Rob
Power Tool

and

9. Josh Tiny Tool

The girls’ initial reactions to their boyfriends were priceless. I believe it was Karine, Power Tool’s girl, who, watching her tool with another girl (about to grab her around the waist, flip her upside-down and place her on her feet again) said something along the lines of “No. Oh, no. He better not flip her. No! That was our thing! He flips me!” No, Karine, it’s his thing. He played you, foo.

The basketball-playing (not player) guy, Tommy; Slacker Tool, was super-fly; he dribbled and smacked a lucky audience member in the face! Awesome! His apology: “Ooh.”

Then the couples were forced to watch entrance videos as a group; basically the guys acting like playas and the girls voicing all their complaints and frustrations with their relationships. We learned that M.E.G.A (Man Every Girl Abhors) doesn’t know the difference between one week (7 days) and two weeks (14 days) when he makes a comment of having a girl for every day; fourteen girls in all. This points out that he has Unday, Onday, Uesday, Ednesday, Ursday, Iday, and Aturday girls – dat be pimpin’!

Loud Mouth Tool’s view on their situation in the Tool Academy house was: “I had never been more bummed out in my whole entire life. I’m, like, sleeping on a cot, like, prison-style with my hand over the edge on some metal post, bro.” He doesn’t realize that, if he’s not currently in the hospital, his joints move no matter where he is or what position he’s in at the time.

During the challenge of making beds, Slacker Tool gets angry at nothing and wants to show off his…I don’t know…manliness? He announces “I’m gonna break something. I’m gonna pick up this chair and throw it.” Take a minute and register his manliness. OK. That’s some pretty deep stuff.

While Jill is making hers and Dimitri’s bed she hurts her hand and says “Dimitri, I’m bleeding.” Dimitri says “Shut up.” Needless to say, Dimitri was expelled first, with the parting words of “I know I’m not a tool.” That’s the spirit! You’re an entire tool belt! Embrace it.

I love this show.

On The Golden Globes-
I’m convinced that all the cameramen working for the Golden Globes had not only been hired that night, but that it was also their first encounter working a camera. Think, introducing caveman to fire. This resulted in the people there, who were addressed in thank yous, being completely ignored. The worst example was when Kate Winslet won for the 2nd time and all you can see is some woman’s giant flapping arm. Mm-hm.

Gossip Girl-
Really? Jack Bass is B‘s gigantic New Year’s secret? She said how Jack had just pulled up with C and told S “Now you’ll see we’re just friends.” But was she referring to C or covering for herself and Jack? And D + S are sibling-lovers but as long as Clueless is skeevier it’s OK.

One Tree Hill-
Mouth should get some locks or at least, I dunno, put a front door on the hinges to his place! Will Millie ever leave people alone? Jeez.

Gotcha OTH!
Who else noticed the couple walking into the ladies’ room as Haley left or Jamie and Mini-Q running into the same room with their walkie-talkies? It was only setting us up for a cute Luke-and-Nate end scene but c’mon, people! Gotcha, OTH!

(today’s episode of) The View-
Whoopie referred to Bush’s legacy as a “big ‘ol pile of dog doo”,  Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford were on, and Ed played around with his Chuck Bass voice to amuse the cougars. Sexxy!

Mimi