On the season finale of The Hills, Heidi immediately rambled off all the unrealistic things she wanted at her wedding to Special-Ed Pratt, who tried to absorb this information and make sense out of it, of course, failing. Give her some metallic pens, on the other hand, and she’ll get right on that.
“I want jewels, diamonds dripping, (?) and my dress is very, like, swan-princess-esque so, like, I want real swans there.”
“And you want, like, a lot of flowers?” Special-Ed checks, not making any notes. Told you that was her specialty.
“A lot of flowers, all up the aisles (?), all over the altzer (that’s a new one!) I want it to be like a gggarden.”
“What kind of cake?”
“Like white chocolate mousse truffle vanilla, y’know with the berries in it.” She grins and nods her empty head.
“You just named, like, so many flavors.” Special-Ed says, blinking, crossing and uncrossing her eyes. That’s when you can tell she’s about to shut down.
Yeah, you know; licorice-tangerine-peppermint soul-sucking flavor. That’s what I want.
Y’know, for a wedding you supposedly put so much thought into, turns out you really didn’t put all that much thought into it. Guess you thought it would never happen.
Special Pratt would, in all her expertise, wisdom, and many years of former party planning order a dozen daisies, a Big Bird Happy 3rd Birthday Sheet Cake and a goofy clown.
“Maid of honor?” Special asks, visibly crossing her fingers in the air and chanting “please me. please me.”
“Holly.” Heidi answers, watching her deflate, “Just because she’s been my sister, y’know, my whole life.” ‘Good answer! Good answer!‘ Family Feud contestants cheer her on in her mind.
*Special-Ed Pratt punches Heidi in her alligator-jaw*
The best thing Heidi has to say at her bachelorette party is, brace yourselves, “I said to Spencer ’til death do us part, so buddy if that’s how you’re going…” I knew it!
The dinner rehearsal was a disaster since Holly decided to get wasted on champagne or whatever it was she smuggled in her unstained purse. Spencer’s sister, Stephanie, there, I’ll say her name once, gave a very sweet toast and Holly thought she had to chime in.
“Ching-ching-ching.” Dumb, drunken speech a-coming! Then she throws food and stalks off. Her mommy goes to console her. *burble-burble* *hate making Spencer look polite and refined*
She met with Heidi for lunch the next day and would’ve been better off if she’d said “So what were you up last night? I think I downed some Boones and passed out on the couch. Or something.”
On the day of the wedding, yes, the actual real-live wedding, the church was definitely halfed into Evil and non-Evil sides. Stacie, “the bartender”? Evil side. Justin Bobby? Evil side. Kristen Cavallari? Right over here next to Justin on the Evil side.
As soon as Lauren took a seat next to Lo, she pointed out that Kristen was there, happily adding “You match!” Ah, that’s what friends are for.
And just when you thought it would be overlooked, it was addressed. Will the congregation, both Evil and non-Evil sides, please stand?
Spencer and Heidi (for the record Heidi, in her own words = goddess/princess/special person, got it?) went out to their people for just a little more added attention and Kristen Cavallari stole that by saying she needed a man and catching the bouqet.
Lauren left through a back door straight to her limo, which was bigger than the just-married couple’s, away from the attention-crazed reality stars and away from the show altogether.
The 2009 MTV Movie Awards Breakdown-
Tweener vampire flick Twilight won basically everything which was totally coincidental since the entire audience was made up of Twilight cast members! They were very appreciative; for example, we watched in slow-mo as Kristen Stewart threw her award on the floor and fled in a stoned stupor.
Eminem made a scene after being involved, and obviously not told beforehand, in a dumb mid-show skit where he got Sacha Baron Cohen balls-in-the-face. His four of five gigantic bodyguards took care of Sacha and Eminem stormed off, drama-queen-style as always.
Leighton accepted her farting habit. Man up, outdated white’n'nerdy boy.
Megan Fox also refused to play along with any jokes but that was on account of her lacking a personality and, along with it, a sense of humor.
Vanessa Hudgens was acknowledged for her “brave documentary of an all-gay high school” Triumph the insult-dog called Ben Stiller an ape, Anna Faris swore loudly when Jim Carrey won her award, and the music portion of the night carried on.
There was a well-orchestrated and, well, orchestrated collaboration of Adam Sandwich, er, Andy Samberg’s “classics” which unfortunately, meant no Motherlovers.
Kings of Leon performed Use Somebody but I was miffed that there wasn’t enough of the cutie of the band, bassist Jared, and once again couldn’t look Caleb in the eye. OK, no one can.
Andy did his best keeping everything under control but how can you truly control so many egos in one room?
Wait until Eminem leaves.
Mimi
