It’s Spencer; Don’t Hang Up

On The Hills,

 Charlie (remember him? The junior-high dropout/drug dealer/professional loser? Mm-hm. That Charlie.) told Spencer he needed to get over his bad blood with Lauren and that must’ve been when Spencer realized he’d taken his vendetta too far. Charlie was beginning to make sense. That and he listens more to his “homie” than his nagging soon-to-be-wife Heidi.

So Spencer finally -finally!- apologized to Lauren about the sex tape rumors he spread about her and Jason. Yeah, who? The guy before Brody and after/before Stephen. The fact that he called her about five minutes after Heidi left Lauren’s office? That’s not a coincidence at all and I have no idea why Lauren wanted out of this show. Talk about being bombarded from both equally white-blond, shallow, fake sides!

Heidi orignally tried to get little Simpleton Pratt to do her dirty work for her, i.e.; invite Lauren to the wedding. *gasp!* Sheesh this self-absorbed drama is tiring. When Simple had to admit that Lauren didn’t want to come, Heidi wondered again why her plans weren’t working out, Holly said nothing as usual, and Simple  said “Heidi, you look so pretty right now. Don’t be sad.” So, let me get this straight, artificial looks should cover up real emotion?

The highlight of the episode was when Simpleton decided to follow her dream of the hour. Out of nowhere, she realized her next career movement, before the big doozy of handbag line, of course, would be party planning! Yeah! She ordered flowers for Heidi’s wedding! And that takes years of experience! Yeah! Ever wondered what a life going in no particular direction would look like? Stephanie Pratt, that’s what.

Mimi

Ferris Wheels Are Fun!

On The Hills, Simple Pratt showed up to another lazy day love interest saying how she couldn’t get out of work. Really? Is “getting silver pen on you” that urgent? Besides, that’s the point. It’s a job and you’re not supposed to be able to get out of it that easily.

Then Spencer pretends to be family-oriented to make nice with Heidi’s dad (who mysteriously didn’t exist until this episode) so just discount all the awful, venomous things he’s said to his sister. He must’ve been, uh, joking. Yep! That jokester, Spencer!

On a double-date with a crappy Epic/Hills-promoted band, the bassist divulged that he had a girlfriend back home, who he lived with, but he gets tempted by other girls so “it’s complicated.” Simpleton, his date for the night, freaks out and tells Audrina she needs to leave right then. This really confused Audrina; this Stephanie-not-willing-to-be-the-other-woman thing but she tried to be supportive and made a slow, pathetic excuse for them both to leave.

“Hey, um, you guys…We…sorry…gotta, you know. Get up…in the morning…so we should leave now…?” And that’s thinking on her feet for Audrina-standards! She backed down ’cause she figured the bassist was only interested in Simpleton and her chances were slim so she’d just have to keep her eyes on the prize. Prize: Brody.

Finally, Spencer takes Heidi on a ferris wheel that she isn’t crazy about getting on in the first place and proposes to her in the least romantic way imaginable. Yes, like he’s settling for her. Yes, like it’s a burden. Yes, like he’d rather be watching Jonas. She’s all “but we tried that and it didn’t work, remember?” He whips out the ring and she basically says “I’ll be your slave with a rock like that!!!”

So, yes, Spencer, ferris wheels are fun. Marrying your incredibly shallow girlfriend who you don’t really want to marry; you only feel obligated to and you’d really rather be with your bartemptress-? Well, that’s not fun at all. And not a good sign for the reign of the Pratts. If Spencer doesn’t know what the word divorce means does he understand the word suicide?

Mimi

And…Tom Hanks is Stuck in a Dry Cleaning Bag

SNL’s season finale reminded us why we’d been watching trainwreck skits and unfunny hosts for weeks before. Will Ferrell brought back fan favorite characters like George Dubya Bush, the lawyer who hates dogs and, on the highlight of the show, Alex Trebek on Jeopardy!

The Celebrity Jeopardy contestants were Kathy Lee Gifford impersonated by Kristen Wiig as always, Tom Hanks impersonated by Tom Hanks, and Sean Connery impersonated by Darrell Hammond. Kathy Lee got drunk, Tom got his hand stuck in a pickle jar, his face stuck in a dry cleaning bag and confused a pen with a microphone, and Sean made Yo Momma jokes directed at Alex.

The categories included Sounds Kitties Make, States that End in “Hampshire”, What Color is Green and Current Black Presidents. Alex chose the category States that End in “Hampshire” for the contestants, who answered South Hampshire, What is South Hampshire, and Hampshire, England.

The final Jeopardy category was Nonsense Words and by this point Tom had licked his pen, hit his head on the screen and broken it (the screen, not his head) and passed out. Sean seemed to have cooperated for once, his nonsense word being IOISSSb. Once the space saved for his wager was revealed, this turned out to be an intricate drawing of Sean descrating Alex’s grave.

Guest appearances included Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Horatio Sanz, Rachel Dratch, Tracey Morgan, Anne Hathaway, Paul Rudd and, of course, Tom Hanks.

Besides two horrible performances from washed-up punk/pop/wannabe-alternative talentless band Green Day and a rapid downhill slide in the quality of skits as the night went on, it was an improvement for this year and a good finale.

Mimi

It’s the Abercrombie Lady

This week’s Gossip Girl was partly a Lily Rhodes-flashback (Lily played by Brittany Snow), where No Doubt made an appearance as the band “Snowed Out.” Huh-huh-huh. They seemed to be an adgy, alternative cult ’80s band compared to the edgy, alternative, pop/ska ’90s band they actually were. My opinion’s a little biased but I’ll stick to No Doubt, thank you.

The flashback half of the episode was a lot of bad acting from no-name actors, cheesy ’80s cliches (e.g. Valley Girl ref.) and one very long phone call from jail where the phone was traded off. Quite convenient, actually.

The I guess we’ll call it current half was made up of a final, failed immature high school scheme, Queen B’s annoying dream-prom moments, a dull reconciliation between Lily and her mom and Serena changing into her hideous prom dress in a taxi after her usual “rebellions”, rescued by ex-boyfriend/step-brother/meddler Dan Humphrey.

WTF OTH?

Lucas and Peyton finally got married, Haley was their last-minute Poison-quoting minister, Nathan was pouting about not getting into the NBA once again, Brooke brought Nick Lachey as her date to make Julian and the “Brookalike” jealous when actually nothing happened with Nick and nothing came of it with Julian. Sam and Deb and, kind of surprisingly, Dan Scott were MIA but that didn’t take away from the resounding feeling of At Last.

It was sweet and perfect for the two of them and you think “hey, this is going to work out,” but psych, that was just how it felt in the moment. Luke takes Peyton home and is so excited to finally show her how he’d fixed The Comet when he finds her passed out on the bedroom floor.

WTF OTH! Did you really have to kill this one precious memory? I swear if the plotline of the last episode is ‘Peyton Scott dies’…

On The Hills, Stephanie Pratt was physically painful to watch. We’d seen the downhill plummet coming from a mile away but I think this was the “crash and burn” sequence.  She made a million simple -huh, go figure- mistakes before but now she completely ignored what Lauren told her to do on account of her phone conversation and then had the audacity to say “I’m doing my job.” And then, when Lauren and Lo found out that she didn’t do the only simple -there’s that word again!- task she was assigned, well, God forbid work interrupt her lunch!

Justin Bobby actually held up his end of an argument, making Audrina sound kind of stupid, but that’s not very hard, and brought up the issue of her sleeping in Brody- I mean in Brody’s room. She felt like she owed him nothing and ran away. In my mind, this looked like Score: Justin : 1 Audrina : 0 but then the tool of a cameraman panned down to his adolescent socks and boots. So Audrina storms away from him indignantly and you’re gonna add insult to injury by poking fun at how he’s dressed? We get it. He already looks homeless. That’s pretty low, Camera Tool.

Greek News Cappie News

This episode the long-standing feud between Cappie and Evan seemed to be settled when Evan waved a white flag, screamed “You win!”, fell over and played and dead and probably some other “surrender” cliches I’m forgetting. I guess that puts an end to that! ‘Kay, probably not. Cappie threw plenty of insults at Evan, who just took it. Yeah, weird; I know.

Rebecca came out publicly after she went to Lesbian Night at Gentleman’s Club. No, the other one. Mm-hmm. It actually makes a lot of sense for her to have turned down Cappie. Nobody turns down Cappie.

Mimi

She’s So Evil She Makes the Old Georgina Look Like the New Georgina

GOSSIP GIRL-

As if a room made up of Serena, Blair, Nate, Chuck and Dan wasn’t bizarre enough, let’s throw in a refined Georgina Sparks! And…she’ll answer’s S’s phone when Gabriel calls! That sounds about right.

Are we really supposed to believe that a crew of teenage socialites are tracking down scammers like it’s as easy as sabotaging a party dress? They should be in school! Not putting a name to their complicated love triangle and certainly not busting the bad guys. Those plans tend to…backfire.

Nate finally admits to Blair, “I was using the apartment to force our issues and it’s just too big of a step.”

Blair responds, “Perhaps the more suitable step would be for you to ask me to prom.”

Yes! Exactly! Thanks for acting your age for once, Blair Waldorf!

ONE TREE HILL-

If OTH kills Peyton off in the very last episode after, what, 5, 6 years (?) I swear I’m going to bawl. You don’t have 5 specific main characters that the viewer can get attached to and get to know and then decide out of nowhere that one of them has to die in childbirth. That’s cold, even for the show that had Dan Scott kill his brother and a psychotic nanny try to kidnap her dream kid. Yes, at times OTH can be soap opera-esque but that doesn’t make it okay to kill Peyton Sawyer/Scott.

The episode started out with Kate Voegele’s yodeling, as usual, and Peyton recording a video to the kid she might never get to meet. Listen to my playlist, go to Brooke, go to your aunt Haley and uncle Nathan…and please take very special care of your daddy. I agree with Lucas. Don’t go there, OTH.

THE HILLS-

Heidi read a txt from Stacie on Spencer’s phone in the first five minutes of the show, deleted it, and decided to go where Stacie wanted to meet him to see if he’d show up. ??? You deleted it. Unless they’ve mastered telepathy, he’s not going to be there. But Stacie notices Heidi and her matching blond sisters and she and her equally brunette friends approach them to say hi. Heidi kind of tears into Stacie and Stacie finally tells her, very sagely, “There’s always gonna be another Stacie.” before leaving. I think she just likes her name.

*silence* *more silence*

“Omigod. That was gnarly.” Simple Pratt narrates. Gee, um, yeah? *Heidi and Holly glare at her for breaking the awkward silence*

Now follow the Brody/Jayde/Audrina mess to Frankie’s party where Brody tells her to be nice to Audrina, the Stacie in this situation. He hugs her and rubs her head and she says “Don’t pet me.” What’s the sudden issue with the petting?!

That party doesn’t go so well and Lauren isn’t willing to leave when Audrina is scared off since, oh yeah, Audrina was in the wrong.

The next day Simple and Audrina are at it again. Great. Let me spell this out for you. Just because a couple argue or has issues doesn’t make it okay to put yourself in the middle of their relationship and blow kisses to one of them in public. Get your own life, Audrina, or at least go back to your old one.

When she shows up at the second party, Jayde is ready to beat her up and she eventually gets the signal.

“You know what?” She starts. Brody waits like “What?”

*a single thought floats through Audrina’s mind and pops* Nope. Lost it. *Audrina sees a shiny bartender* Maybe I should touch it… *flashing sign says ‘Time to leave, Audrina’* Oh! That’s right!

“I’m gonna go.”

Yay! Audrina completed a thought! She really is a post.

Mimi

Is There Room For One More?

The writers of Desperate Housewives seem to have been searching for a worthwhile plotline and trying to keep their ratings up ever since this “5-year-jump” season started. They made the teenage Scavo twins trouble, they brought creepy killer albino, Dave, to Wisteria Lane, gave Susan a young, feminine boyfriend, made Gaby frumpy, paired up Catherine and Mike, and gave Bree her semi-interesting business. These pay off for about half an episode but nothing sticks in the viewer’s mind, at least not mine. You want a plot? I’ll give you a plot.

So! Dave wants to take Susan and MJ fishing and once Tom Scavo gets wind of this awesome hobby he piles his sons into their car and pulls out of the driveway. But wait! Wouldn’t Juanita Solis like to accompany them? She loves to eat! Tom pulls up outside the Solis house, leaving his boys in the car. Aspiring cougar Catherine walks by and spots Porter/Preston Scavo. “Hey, boys.” She purrs, “Where’re you off to?” “Fishing.” “Is there room for one more?” There sure is! “Hey, Catherine,” Susan’s girly boyfriend says, pulling up in his blue tweener Land Rover, “Have you seen Susan?” “She’s fishing!” Tom Scavo exclaims, coming out of the Solis house with both girls trailing behind him. “You think I could meet her there?” “You bet!” Tom nods, oblivious to everything as usual. “Did someone mention Susan?” Carl asks, coming out of Bree’s house. “Yeah, we’re going to see her. You wanna come?” Girly boyfriend offers. “I sure would!” “Hop in!” He tells Susan’s ex.

Both cars drive to the lake and when they show up what’s waiting for them but a car with the trunk open marked FREE CANDY. “Look, mama, fwee candy!” MJ exclaims. He likes candy even better than pancakes, ice cream, and macaroons! The Solis girls leap from the Scavo car and run across the street to the said fwee candy. Orson shows up outta nowhere, after sniffing out something to Orson.

“Wait a second…” Says Carl, “I don’t know if we should trust this unmarked car.” “But it is marked,” Susan argues, “It says “free candy.”" “I’m a lawyer.” Carl sighs at her, like he’s the complete intellectual. “This doesn’t look like candy…” Juanita says as the car-bomb ticks down 3,2,1…BOOM!

Ta-da! The show is much better without all those annoying characters! Time to start fresh.

Mimi