The Hills, week two

This week was a doozy:

Spencer was trying to explain in baby-speak to his sister, Stephanie, why he was angry LC was at her birthday. (Why does everyone on this show refer to a birthday party as birthday, period?) He started by saying he wanted to be her un-brother, then said she “jumped ship” -I think a certain someone likes bathtime- and ended his tyrant with some nearly-but-not-quite-cultural garbage about he and LC being like Iran and Israel and that’s why they couldn’t get along.

See, I’m like an apple…but Lauren is an orange…Lauren…orange…that’s exactly why you can’t be the pacemaker, dudette.

Peacemaker.

Whatever. Wait a second…Am I wearing…purple? Aw, man.

Audrina decided to play the sweet card, trading the Queen Catty card with Lo this episode. They both attended Stephanie’s “birthday” where Lo evilly eyed Audrina and, abso-fakely as she could muster said “I’m glad we talked.” Yup, Audrina, we’re as confused as you are. Just not as obnoxious as your co-worker at Epic Records who doesn’t even deserve to be mentioned.

On the way to the “birthday” Lo outright told Lauren everyone was getting along who mattered. Lauren looked at her like “Wow. You’re so evil.” but then Lo pretended to be paying attention while driving. Yeah, right. None of us are believing that.

Basically Lauren was awkward, Doug was dull, Brody was cordial, Spencer tested out some big words, Heidi has actually turned into a mannequin, Whitney was even duller than Doug, Frankie assumed his usual spot as guy #3, and Stephanie hired some stand-ins who were already on-set to be her “friends.”

My favorite part was when Spencey remembered Heidi’s food-ordering history – an unspecific “chicken taco.” No, no. She throws that up. Oh, and she hasn’t blinked or moved her Jay Leno-chin in six days.

Mimi

The Hills’ Return

The events -in no particular order- of the season premiere of The Hills:

1. Heidi’s sister, Holly, came for an impromptu visit, kicked her blondness up a notch and then decided she wanted to return to their camera-riddled lifestyle for good (go figure), only flubbing her line a couple times. Good going, other Montag! Spencer…yes, that guy…was sleeping whenever he wasn’t whining, scratching the bird’s nest swallowing up his face, or playing Mario Cart and losing to himself.

2. Lauren threw Audrina a birthday party and invited her new beau of the hour; Dougy, whom she ignored, while Audrina hung out with pink mohawk-guy and the Wonderful Stoner Ex and Lo hid from everyone with her puppy.

3. Lo confronted Audrina about not making an effort. Audrina said she didn’t care. Audrina said they would never be friends. Lo walked off to go cry. And Lo is still the mean one? Mmkay.

4. Whitney- wait. Who am I kidding? Whitney is boring and did nothing, as usual.

The best advice to give Lauren would be to watch the ‘coming up on this season of The Hills’ previews! Then she would know not to trust Dougy or Stephanie Pratt (hello, Pratt!) or deal with another sister trying to force a Heidi/LC reconcilitation. After all, reconciliation = ratings drop.

Anyway, it’s a sigh of relief this fake-show is back. Now we have something to talk about again and really, what did we ever do without it?

Mimi

The Phelps Fish

In a nutshell, Michael Phelps is breaking all previous Olympic records for number of medals per individual, best time, etc. and has been bombarded by cameras watching his every move; every breath and apparently we even care what he eats, when he sleeps and how often he trains. Whether that is to create miniature Phelps-clones or not we won’t know for a number of years. Last night, one announcer explained how he made all the other swimmers look like boys, though they are not boys; in fact they are the best swimmers in the world, but that is they way he makes them look – like boys. So merely watching one person swim instantly removes intellegent comments from the human mind.

Mimi

The Week Before the Olympics

This week, on I Love Money, Toastee sent Destiney home, in fact not “bamboozling” Real but leaving The Entertainer a supposed “emotional wreck.” Yes. Those are their names.

On the Teen Choice Awards, Miley Cyrus won every award in all her categories with the advantage of, um, hosting. Gossip Girl bagged six surfboards – yay, hometeam! – and there was a whole lotta inspirational junk in the middle.

On the season finale of American Gladiators, the Human Banana won out of all the male competitors, and the woman won out of the final two “female” *cough-cough* competitors, though we all know Tiffaney was a twelve-year-old boy.

Mimi

Hanson Will Always Reign Supreme

Hanson and the Jonas Brothers are not one and the same, no matter what uninformed  person or group may think so. The Hanson brothers are talented, gorgeous, experienced, deep, incredible people while the Jonas brothers are simply not. Hanson has been around for over eleven years while the Jonas trio has been around maybe two. Hanson can pull off pop, rock, “grunge”, blues, etc. but the Jonas brothers are strictly sugar-pop.  Hanson are extremely aware individuals/activists. The Jonas brothers are too young and self-obsessed to be either. Hanson are an “adult” band while the Jonas Brothers are still kids, so if you only remember Hanson from ‘97 singing Mmmbop you really have no right to compare their current music to some teeny-boppers. 

Plenty of people agree with me (usually diehard Hanson fans) and plenty of people disagree (usually fans of both) but in my opinion, some Disney-channel, no-talent wannabes will never amount to the greatness that is Hanson. So, media, shut up about them being the same genre!

Mimi