Your Source into the Scandalous Lives of the televised

Gossip Girl:

This week was made up of Things We Don’t About Serena and lots of SAT prep for these twenty-somethings.

Nate was attracted to Vanessa in an odd turn of events, like two leftovers striking up conversation in the back of the fridge; as was pointed out when Dan and Blair stared at the two of them in disbelief. Well, yeah, it’s pretty hard to believe!

So much for Chuck being the sexy bad boy. I bet a pack of Twizzlers they turn him gay next week. Alas! After dozens of girls, he never had a chance.

The Bachelor Pre-Finale Pre-catfight Final Two show:

The final two should really be Shayne and that sexy turtle. After all, he was closer to it than to Chelsea and it was getting him hot. Or he likes that Chelsea could maybe, possibly learn to tolerate him and not hate him so much one day.  But holding hands is out of the question.

“When I heard you open up it was like music to my eyes.” Sleazy Bachelor muttered ignorantly to Amanda M., “And I knew then I would send you home.”

Amanda Meep couldn’t even leave with a shred of dignity. “Well, like, I’m really shocked like. Like, you’re a total like jerk! I like hate you, Sleazy Bachelor, like so much. Chelsea doesn’t even like, like you like I, like like… like you. I like wish you would like die.

That’s okay, Meepie. You like made your point.

Mimi

Thoughts Within the Mind of a Groupie

A good album is a good album. I will always love Vanessa Carlton’s Harmonium no matter what the critics thought; I can hear and feel the emotion she put into her completed patchwork 2004 work.

Also, I’ve completely adored Hanson for 11 years and I realize The Walk is their best album to date but put on any song from Underneath and that can lift my mood like nothing else.

To mention this blog’s namesake, I hold a deep faith that Augustana’s sophomore album, Can’t Love, Can’t Hurt; released tomorrow (shameless marketing!) will fill All the Stars and the Boulevards shoes.

Whether you’re listening to an undiscovered artist’s debut album or an old favorite, my point remains the same: a good album is a good album.

Mimi

It’s baaack!

Amanda, Miss Meep herself, took sleazy Bachelor to meet her fake-parents because her real parents were dull. Deep down he did enjoy the 50-something woman violating his face, and so we get to enjoy Amanda’s roadrunner sound for at least one more week. Holla.

There was a very awkward scene in the week’s episode (singular? dang it!) of The Hills, where Lauren, Audrina, Stephanie, Heidi, and Justin were all sitting at the same table, except Lauren was whispering to Stephanie, Audrina was talking to Heidi and Heidi was talking to Justin. It was totally weird and I think Audrina should watch her back… Yeah, we totally want you to move in with us, Audrina…so we can criticize your stoner boyfriend, Heidi, and anyone else you bring home. *Lauren and Lo smile angelically* Did anyone else notice Lauren had grapefruit for breakfast while Audrina had grapefruit and some delicious cat? It’s a sign.

Nick Lachey showed up on the lame Fresh Takes miniseries and was just as bad as acting as the rest of the gang. I guess Alicia Keys wanted us to appreciate her music more considering her lack of acting skills. The only reason anyone watches that garbage in the first place is since we’re already watching the scandalous new episode of the Hills.

On One Tree Hill (different hills), Brooke says “I’m gonna be a mom.” in the first ten minutes which was when I tuned out. Wow. That was a spoiler. Come on. Who really watches the show to catch more than a few minutes of hunky Chad, anyway? 

But none of those really mater because Gossip Girl is baaaaack!!! Little Jenny Humphrey got in a lot of trouble when she stole a dress from her fake-friend’s mom’s closet and traded it for a cheap one at a shady thrift store. Then she calls Nate and asks him for $8,000 and he pretends like it’s a lot of money he doesn’t have, as if we’ll believe that…Manhattan’s elite?? How does not having $8,000 to spare make someone elite? My point exactly. Actually, come to think of it, he was probably saving that money for his sacred pot. Blair stole the show again which only makes us love to hate or love to love her more. I’m not quite sure on which, yet. After little J was grounded she snuck out to go cuddle up with Nate on her birthday, and who can blame her? He’s one gorgeous hunk of man. Unfortunately, Vanessa was absent, probably since B was already stirring up enough trouble on her own. I would like nothing more than N and J to start dating but he realizes how much younger she is…Though it would be funny for Miss Socialite van der Woodsen to be related to Chuck and Nate. That would be sick.

Mimi

Weekday Update (Second Edition)

Here was how the week went for television:

Saturday: SNL was very funny and Ashton did a good job (at least better than Christopher Walken reading his lines and never making eye contact with anyone). Death by Chocolate and The Mellow Show were my favorites of the night.

Sunday: Desperate Housewives’ first episode in something like three months was a letdown. It was an hour of boredom about Bree and Lynette going to church.

Huge-lipped Daisy yacked on the season finale of Rock of Love 2 which only made Bret want to suck face with her even more.

Monday: The Bachelor girls were having a really good time complimenting themselves; saying how kind and generous, etc, etc, they were but that didn’t stop Sleazy Bachelor from sending home the girl who was bad at everything. Aww.

On The Hills, Heidi wanted to “smash” Spencer’s “face in” so basically nothing’s new there. And now they’re finally broken up for real, I think, maybe? Weren’t they already? No, wait. They were on vacation. That’s right.

During Dancing with the Stars weird noises kept coming our of Carrie-Ann’s mouth so she must have traded off with Samantha Harris this week, even though we can all still tell she’s struggling to speak coherently.

Tuesday: One fat loser was sent home on Hell’s Kitchen while one fat loser remains on Beauty and the Geek. I guess Randy should have studied even though “that book was stupid.”

Wednesday: Bubbly Stacy-Ann was sent home (and dis-invited to Rome) on ANTM because she had become predictable and safe and Fatima was given a second chance, only since Tyra didn’t want to seem completely evil, as Fatima was about to lose either way. Unfortunately, Dominique the Drag Queen wasn’t paddled enough for forgetting the designer’s name but I’m sure Dominique knew what Dominique was saying all along and Dominique actually meant to say that. 

Mimi

 

Bad News

Hey all. Bad news on the pics front. After much thinking on the topic of using pictures without explicit permission, I realized that I don’t want to go to jail. So, unless someone from Augustana sends us a message saying that they won’t sue us, the future of the pictures on the site looks bleak. The ball is in Augustana’s court.

 

-Nix (remember me?)

Oh, and Mimi’s commentary on the world is her personal opinion, and does not reflect the opinions of WordPress or, more importantly, me.

Women Past Their Prime

Has anyone noticed the failed attempts of comebacks for singers of the past? Janet Jackson came out with the annoying tune Feedback; Mariah Carey with Touch My Body; Sheryl Crow with Love is Free…? Do they not realize they’re rather old?

I think I’ll let Madonna slide by this once but only for about four-and-a-half minutes.

Mimi

Woof! Fetch, Miss Texas.

Miss Usa, April 11, 2008:

The hosts, Donny and Marie Osmond, came down with a serious case of retardedness last night. If I were either of them, acting like morons on national television, I would have wanted to curl up and die. Too bad they like themselves and are quite used to acting like morons on national television.

Miss Missouri’s interest was laughing. Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? She has a real totem-pole-level-interesting personality, huh? At least her mom says she’s special.

Let’s meet the judges; Hannah Montana, the Target dog, Daisy Fuentes, Regis Philbin, Gene Simmons, and Joey Fatone. Please excuse our Dancing with the Stars reunion.

This year’s winner was a charity case. They decided it would be funny if the ugliest girl won. Either that or such as her fellow dog judge rigged it in her favor.

Mimi

Weekday Update

To make this short and cute: Spencer’s still a jerk, Heidi keeps smearing vaseline all over and beyond her lips, and our not-so-classy Bachelor just uses his show to get as much face-action in as he can.

Mimi

Shoo.

Reality TV is obviously far from real but when the stars start reappearing in different shows you know either you’ve been played or the world is very small.

Not to name names but here are a few I’ve noticed:

Apprentice-winner-turned-realtor, Top-Model-contestant-turned-1 vs. 100-contestant, Early-Punk’d-episode-camera-hog-turned-Overweight-Most-Smartest-Model, The-Bachelor-turned-realtor, Punk’d-staffer-turned-Hiro, “Winning Beauty”-turned-Bret Michaels-wannabe-lover (come on, Megan; you’re better than that!). Don’t even get me started on Toccara, a loser from ANTM who’s now on Celebrity Fit Club. Wait, wait – hold on a second! Don’t you have to be a celebrity to be on that show? Oh. Being a loudmouth is enough? OK.

My point is I don’t want to see your mugs anymore. Gracias, but no gracias.

Mimi

Would you accept this rose?

 On last night’s Bachelor, I was a little confused why he kept staring adoringly at the drunk girl, Shayne, I think her name was (thank God I don’t actually watch this show week to week).

Basically, he asks “Would you accept this rose?”

“I don’t like the whole rose thing. I love roses. They’re my favorite flower… *Shayne tips like a boat and nearly spills her champagne*

“So, uh, is that yes?”

*Shayne gets distracted by the shiny fireplace*

The whole time he’s saying in a private interview how she’s the greatest and she barely knows what’s going on! Is he just stupid?

*Meep!*

Oh, right, then there was the human who would *meep!* when she got nervous. It wasn’t intentional, she just *meeped* eight times during a weird, one-sided argument.

Then, on the way out, all the rejected blond girls of the night’s occupations started to seem really lame.

Hot Dog Vendor…Carpert Cleaner/dog-walker…Lonely old spinster…

Okay, I’m exaggerating but it was rather funny, as if they can’t seem pathetic enough. And Girl-who-was-rejected-last-week, maybe your cat really is the love of your life. I’ll believe you.

Mimi