Kanye’s Been Waiting All Night Now

The 2010 Grammy Music Awards-

The Grammys began with the sounds of a Lady Gaga/Elton John duet and nothing during the three-and-a-half hour show made my skin crawl more than the line: “How wonderful life is with Gaga in the world.”

I’m pretty sure all the remaining music greats who were not present simultaneously had heart attacks at that moment. Really, Elton? You sunk that low?

When Run This Town won for best collaboration, Jay and Rihanna (minus a certain mic-thief) stole a little mystery boy to flaunt during their acceptances. They called him Jules but I still think it was Jaden Smith.

Jennifer Nettles from Sugarland sang karaoke over Bon Jovi while performing inner-thigh-stretching aerobics. Not like she was onstage, telecast for millions of people or anything…

Michael Jackson’s kids tried to make everyone cry in the middle of the show; i.e., Daddy was supposed to be here…Thanks a lot! We already had to sit through Gaga lovefest, Karaoke and Aerobics with Jennifer, and now this?

To sum up the rest of the highlights, Pink was naked, KOL were prematurely hammered and Stephen Colbert had to win the Comedy Album Grammy to be dubbed ’cool.’ That is, until T-Pain realized he and Andy did not win that award and he inevitably stole it from Stephen Colbert.

Mimi

I Want You to Take the Walk

ONE TREE HILL

Three notes into OTH and we knew this would be a high-school-reminiscent episode. Bring on the cliche, powdered-sugar melodrama.

The girls proceed to inform us that they are staffing (?) an ’80s-inspired dance. What an original idea! That has never been done before; in the history of TV shows or high schools!

When Alex asked Julian who his favorite director was, he phoned in the line of, “John Hughes,” and ranted on about how his movies were more than stereotypes and atypical teen drama. It was almost as bad as that half-hearted tribute on the Critics’ Choice Awards.

Cheap Trick performed for a squad of clueless extras at aforementioned ’80s-dance; 3 songs; kicking it off with their one and only hit. Bun E., the namesake of my two-person Bun E. fan club, wore a Hanson Walk thermal! Up top, Bun E.!

Here’s one last question: Why are all these twenty-somethings so magnetically-drawn to the high school dance? Are they that drastically small-town that chaperoning teenagers and breaking into their old high school lockers sounds ideal? As viewers, are we supposed to not think this is pathetic?

Mimi

She Only Stuck Around for His Sunglasses

Real World DC-

Andrew, in follow-up to your dating lessons that you didn’t pass, here are five signs that your date isn’t going well or the girl doesn’t like you:

“Email me.” <- First sign. She didn’t want to hear your voice or make contact easy.

“Awkward…” <- Second sign. Testing the waters is a fine way of communication, but don’t test the waters by saying “I told them I was in love with you.” Ever, for that matter.

You’re such a dork. <- Third sign. She’s saying it in a way that might seem loving, but it’s only uncomfortable toleration.

Brought her cousin. <- Fourth sign. She needed a distraction/wingwoman. Because of you.

Called telling him to check his e-mail. <- Fifth sign.

Again with the e-mail! This was filmed summer of ‘09, right?

Anyway, Alli (like Callie without the ca) dumped Andrew electronically and he was “heartbroken” for about a moment, just as she “broke his heart” when she wouldn’t sleep with him. Turns out he had more luck at the gay sports bar. That trip was all thanks to Josh, Invisible Man.

Meanwhile,

Ashley yelled at Mike-y. Mikey yelled at Ashley. They faked nice. They yelled some more. Mikey said he wouldn’t apologize, then went to talk to Ashley. He apologized. Ashley blubbered. They made up. Episode conflict resolved!

Mimi

He’s Perfect for Me, is the Thing

One Tree Hill-

“Does That Mean Thank You in Coke-WhoreLand?”

The first episode of One Tree Hill of ‘10 kicked off with Haley’s tour – exciting, right? Well, it would be if she was any good.

The six-week recap basically reminded us of everything we already saw. And, unfortunately, everything we already knew. Bad-acting central? Oh! OTH must be on!

Julian ran into Brooke, dressed as a warrior/nutcracker mix, at the airport. Enter Alex-ander, guy with the absolute weirdest accent in Tree Hill. Enter Alex, the skanky model that ultimatley won Julian. As you could imagine, neither counterpart of the former-couple are very happy with their sudden company.

Later, Haley played to the least-amused audience ever to be on TV, standing in place, boredly clapping. But, hey, I’m right there depressed with them.

To wrap things up, Julian dumped Brooke. Brooke caved to male Alex. When things were dreadfully boring at the Scott house, enter Taylor, post-many plastic surgeries (or her face shapeshifted.) With Quinn’s ex on her arm, no less. If there was ever one James sister to lose in a freak plane crash right outside the Scott house…Yes, it would be cool if Taylor got hit by a plane. Apparently it happens all the time. 

OTH Music-

3 full-length, sucktastic Haley James Scott/Bethany Joy Galeotti/Everly songs and 1 crappy cover later and our most logical viewing options were muting the entire show or pitching the TV out the nearest window. Thanks, Hales. Evidently, free plugs come with paychecks. That explains why Jamie always got to dance so much.

Funhouse just couldn’t even out the Lifehouse, Everly, and straight-from-MTV’s-lineup Vedera we were dealt.

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love-

“I Should’ve Kissed You”

As it turns out, Elizabeth was not only a tease but a pretty seasoned psycho, too (meaning she flocks to reality shows)! She said things like, “I want you to kiss me, you wanna kiss me, but don’t, wait, I don’t think you should, but do, okay?”

Jake decided she was just too confusing and didn’t like that she was holding out on him. So he sent crazy Elizabeth -and Valishia?- home, just like crazy Michelle. But he did keep that intriguing pizza girl, leaving only two brunettes in the mix.

Any last words, Elizabeth?

“I should’ve kissed you.”

Mimi

 

First Religion, Now Playboy

Ty kept up personally offending each of his roommates on Real World DC, by telling Callie she wasn’t model weight and literally fighting his sometimes-bed buddy, Emily. The only one he hasn’t gotten to yet would have to be Josh, the invisible one.

So his rude comment ate at Callie, bringing her to back self-image issues her active mom had instilled in her. So she called her mom to make her feel better.

Ashley and Erica were too caught up in Emily and Ty’s fake, dysfunctional  relationship to start anything for themselves. Except dance classes. Party.

And Emily ended this body image-themed episode on an unforgiving note with Ty. Well, until the first ten minutes of next week’s, until it inevitably switches to Andrew’s lack of seduction abilities.

Mimi

Well, Obviously the Cocktail Party is Over

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, week 2, hours 3 and 4.

The hot model girl was doing a “staffer” behind Jake’s back so she was sent packing and Jake was depressed by the leftovers. They were all so…jowly. The love of his life had been in the room but she’d just left.

When the short, useless host, Chris Harrison,  pressed Rozlyn, she said something about her personal life not being everyone’s business. And didn’t the other girls have histories?

<Chris Harrison’s and Rozlyn’s improved dialect>

Yes, which they formed and left back home. Rozlyn, this was last night! He’s still in your bed! Frankly, I’m just surprised the other girls haven’t noticed. They seem to think he’s the laundry guy!

What are you getting at?

Kindly, leave.

No.

 Yes. And I’ll send the largest, ugliest staffer we have to throw luggage at you. Even he should be fearing for his job.

So when it came down to elimination, the last girls without roses were Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face-double, Gawky Barbie, and an unfamiliar blond. There was one rose left. It was a tough decision.

Hey, what’s your name?

Catherine…But I’m just delivering a pizza.

“Catherine.” He nodded, gesturing to the final rose.

Mimi

We’re Gonna Be Besties

This week on Real World DC, Ashley pretended she didn’t like Mike, no one believed her, he hooked up with a guy, and she felt rejected. Callie tried to get Andrew to kindly back off and he only got the point when he had to snuggle with himself. Emily and Ty became an item (remember, folks, this is the 2nd episode) merely because he looked identical to her ex. Emily’s sister came to visit (already) and was disapproving about her bicurious ways. Emily’s siter has obviously never seen any of the past twenty-two seasons of Real World.

Oh, and Josh and Sarah were the forgotten roommates. They could have packed up and left the house and no viewer or their remaining roommates would’ve even noticed. Yeah, Josh and Erika; the ones that are going to cheat on their significant others a few weeks from now, feel bad, then find comfort in each other and feel better about themselves. Just a guess…

Mimi

Somebody Won. Russell Lost!

Last night on the season finale of Survivor: Samoa, Russell, communal tribe sacrifice, pleaded to the jury at last. He said something like: Vote for me because…Well, I don’t even know who this girl is, sitting next to me. Heh-heh. The jury and normally-mouthy host blinked at him in silent disbelief. Seriously, though. Who’re you?

Then he proceeded to recount every time he stabbed a teammate in the back as if they were his successes. He tried to make his villianous ways appear heroic or like a logical excuse of his game-playing skills but next to no one bought it.

Meanwhile, popularly voted-off Erik made Natalie’s speech for her. He said the contestant who thought she was the least worthy was quite possibly the worthiest. And most of the jury nodded back agreeably, like ”Okay, that made sense.” Shambo picked her teeth with a pocket knife and ignored reason. Remember, next to no one bought Russell’s lines. 

So…Russell got 1 vote. Natalie, without having to plea her case, scooped up the rest. And no one even noticed Mick was in the finals.

Mimi

The Element of Success?

Alicia Keys released her latest album, The Element of Freedom, on Tuesday. Some of the songs exceed expectation while others fail to reach them. Still others are split right up the middle, with a dull chorus yet an enigmatic bridge or a fulfilling intro and slow downhill slide.

Like You’ll Never See Me Again must be a personal favorite of Alicia’s, as it is the apparent model of back-to-back tracks Distance and Time and How it Feels to Fly. The vocal melody/piano intro of these are nearly identical to the 2007 song.

Love is Blind is much like That’s How Strong My Love Is, whish is also like Un-Thinkable. Presenting the question, “How “crazy” are you and Krucial, Alicia?” Forgivingly, for the most part, repetition begins and ends with lyrics. The Nordstrom pianist-type edge redeems That’s How Strong while a cute, old-timey melody drives Wait Til You See My Smile.

Put it in a Love Song, feat. Beyonce and obviously trying to win the most attention, sounds like a mix of Destiny’s Child’s vocals and Videophone’s lyrics, blended with Alicia Keys in the mix.

Overview-

That positive Alicia attitude while singing heartwrenching tunes appears immediately on this album. Love is Blind copies her confident, tough girl attitude of previous 2nd track Go Ahead, Doesn’t Mean Anything is the right dose of everything and Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart, the first single, offers a new arrangement for Keys.

The recurring problem with her songs is the mistake of letting them drag on, diluting the meaning. But throwing in a beautiful version of Empire State of Mind at the very end of the album makes us forget all the bad, doesn’t it?

Mimi

 

I’m Jackie, You’re Marilyn

Don’t Call Me…I’ll Call You

Last week, on the Season Finale of The Hills, Spencer finally found a way to get along with Enzo since their accumulative IQ points fall somewhere between 7 and 8.  Example 1: Enzo says, “Mamma Mia!” Spencer says what else but, “Mamma Mia!”

Meanwhile, Jayde made everything about herself and Brody at Sleazy-T’s engagement party and even Brody wanted her to shut up.  But that’s right. Brody doesn’t care, no one cares, and he’s done (he said it 10 times but the 11th was definitely the tip of that iceberg!)

Audrina was miffed that Justin said Kristin pleasured him like she never did (or something along those lines) and at their last meeting she’d gotten emotional before getting back at him. So she made him meet her at the far end of a cinematical pier where she could have the last word and say he was getting old fast and he’d be alone without her. This sounds all too familiar, right? Let’s take a look back at last season, the one that ended with Audrina saying “don’t text me, don’t call me,” followed by what? “…I’ll call you.” -?

The Hills’ Music: Hills gains 1 point for more Shakira, -1 for Santigold, +3 for more supercool Dashboard Confessional but -1 considering they’re copycats…Oh, and -25 for Leona Lewis. Leona Lewis? Seriously? That ends this Kristin-fueled, back-where-we-started season on an even sourer note. Boo, Hills. Boo!!!

You actually gave The City a chance to beat you at something! Sorry, but Empire State of Mind is a 50-pointer. The only way they could have killed their lead would have been by featuring Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift.

On our last episode of One Tree Hill ’til January 18th, Dan Scott took his search for Redemption to the next level by announcing it was his final show -surprise!- and that it was “time to tell the truth.” He quickly gave away all his money to worthier causes than himself (so basically anything) and presented his 20-years-younger wife with divorce papers. The wife that put up with his change of plans for a ridiculously long time! Nate didn’t forgive him but he did get touchy-feely…for a Scott.

This season, Millie dove into the deep end and practically drowned. She lost her job, she lost her friends, she lost her boyfriend and she finally lost sight of herself. The most logical solution? Rehab. Duh.

Alex was fine, which we also could’ve guessed, and Julian was there to hold her hand and ignore Brooke some more. So, yeah, things are about the same.

“I’m Jackie, You’re Marilyn.”

On Gossip Girl, Chuck Bass was being haunted by his overly-critical father and Serena was sleeping with the enemy. Go figure.

Empire State of Mind was playing in the beginning and the end, but alas! One week too late! *whispers* The City stole it. I know.

Serena was camping out in Tripp’s spare cabin (?), he left her and lied to her and then his wife dropped by to harass her. She explained she would have Tripp in public and Serena would have him in private; “I’m Jackie, You’re Marilyn.”

But what could be more tragic than the bozo beauty getting driven into a tree? And everyone, including a mourning Chuck Bass, coming to her rescue, no less? Even if they aren’t close friends, like Vanessa; or are mad at her, like her mom? Everyone must come to her rescue! It’s mandatory! How about Nate knock out Tripp, as well! Oh, just smashing!

How glamorous, if far-fetched, it must be to be Serena Van der Woodsen – the Ginger, the Marilyn, the true Queen of the Upper East Side!

Mimi